Written live, posted late.
6:00 PM – Chris Connelly has a fat face. Does this bother anyone else? Also, Billy Bush needs to be taken out back and shot.
6:05 – OK, I LOVE Dolly Parton. Pretty in pink!
6:10 – Someone needs to tell Naomi Watts that when your dress is the same color as your skin and your hair, YOU LOOK WASHED OUT. I mean, this is a gorgeous woman and she looks unnoticeable. There’s just no reason for that.
6:12 – HELENA, NOOOOOO! Why the white shoes, why? Your dress is blue, your bag is (inexplicably) burgundy – white shoes are just icky! Just because your husband will always look worse than you ever could is no excuse.
Oooh, love Michelle Williams’ dress. Great color.
6:31 – Oh, is Terence Howard with his SON? How cute is that?
6:34 – So, Reese’s dress … not sure about it. Is it diva or frump? I’m sensing a high rating on the ruffle-o-meter, which is rarely a good thing. But I didn’t get enough of a glimpse to be sure. Anyone?
7:04 – Cute opening montage – Nice humorous homage to the previous hosts.
7:11 – Is that a bow on Charlize Theron’s shoulder or is she covering up some weird bulbous growth?
Awesome gay western montage. Love that!
Supporting Actor: Here we go. One of the toughest categories to predict … did I get it right? …. George Clooney! I was wrong! But good for him. He’s, like, the classiest guy in Hollyweird, and no one looks better in a tux. Also, I love a funny, pithy speech.
7:28 – Best Visual FX: Nice themed presentation by Stiller. Kong’s GOTTA get this one – no one else even came close. Yep. Kong it is. They should have a separate awards category for Andy Serkis.
7:32 – Ooh, Best Animated Feature. Love this category. Still not sure about Reese’s dress. Better than her Golden Globes fiasco, I guess. I called Wallace and Gromit, and so it is!! Yay! And they brought bowties for their statuettes! Ha!
See, the thing about Dolly is that she’s just so awesome. I mean, does anyone not like her? 9 to 5, Transamerica – I can’t think of a lot of country legends who’d proudly associate themselves with projects like that. And she just takes that huge Oscar stage with her tiny little self and OWNS it. Fuckin’ right on. Did I mention that my sister, who’s getting married in October, is having her dress designed by Dolly’s costumier? Doesn’t that fricking ROCK?
7:44 – Live Action Short – man, I have no idea on this one. I wish these got more publicity – they look cool. Martin McDonagh for Six Shooter – I wonder is that the same Martin McDonagh who’s the playwright? That would be cool.
Animated Short – I’m kind of over the whole having animated characters present the animated shorts award. It was cute the first time. Now … not so much. OK, I’ll pick the Moon and the Sun. Just ’cause I like the title. Woot! It won! This is how I maintain my 15+ accuracy – pure and total chance.
7:49 – Best Costume – OK, I’m calling this one for Geisha – it was a visual feast, and surely the most lush of all the nominees. See, there you go. The academy loves the really costumey costumes. Ooh, the costumer has a fabulous haircut, too. But like, whoa. Boring speech. Keep it short, lady, or they will play your ass off stage. You’re thanking the “People of Japan”?!!? WTF? Holy hubris.
7:58 – Will Ferrell and Steve Carell – these are the two funniest men in Hollywood, for real. They could read the phonebook and I would think it was funny. Now, Best Makeup – that’s a tough one. I wanna say Narnia … and I wanna be right!! Not that there was much to choose from. I mean, you know they’re not gonna give Star Whores a statue, and Cinderella Man is kind of over.
8:04 – Best Supporting Actress – I called it for Rachel Weisz, but this is often a surprise category. I wish Catherine Keener would get it – she is totally awesome. But I don’t think this is her year. Rachel gets it! She’s as pregs as I am – I can’t even imagine navigating the red carpet in this state. Nice dress, too – takes advantage of her pregnancy hoots. Dude, I think she just blanked out on ½ her speech! She’s been thanking her husband profusely at all the other awards shows, but she missed him tonight. Of course, with that crap music playing in the background, who can blame her?
8:13 – Either Lauren Bacall is drunk or she forgot her contacts. What the hell? This is just awkward.
Nice Best Actress commercials – I was wondering if Colbert would make an appearance.
8:20 – Best Documentary Short – another one I’m totally guessing on. I’ll go with the one about Darfur. And I’ll be wrong. Oh, well. Who the hell is Norman Corwin? Am I so gauche for not knowing? If I am, I’d guess I’m with most of the audience members, who are looking pretty blank.
Best Documentary Feature – yeah, Charlize looks really awful. Bad dress AND bad hair. Most uncharacteristic. OK, I’m gonna vote for Murderball on this one. Screw the penguins. Ah, fuck. Penguins won, I’d guess because more people saw/had heard of it. What the hell, freaky French award winners! Who brings stuffed animals on stage? OK, they’re pretty cute.
8:25 – J. Lo., J. Lo., J. Lo. There’s a difference between being pleasantly tan and looking like you’ve actually been bronzed. Get a grip, woman.
8:34 – Best Art Direction – This one’s always hard for me to call … it’s kind of like best set, only more so … Good Night and Good Luck? Or, no – Memoirs gets its second award. Shoulda known. The academy has been big on Asian themes lately. Ah, well.
8:46 – Original Score. All I can say is, it better not fricking go to John Williams. Seriously, that man does not need any more damn Oscars. Plus, all his scores sound the same! Let’s go with Brokeback on this one. It was a great score, and it’s the only one I found myself humming afterwards. Woot! It won! Suck on that, Williams!
9:02 – Yeah, when I think “epic” I definitely think of Grease, Mary Poppins and Back to the Future. I mean, ok, there are sure some films you should see on a big screen, but Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in skintight pants discoing to “You’re the one that I want” does not qualify.
9:04 – Sound Mixing. I’m thinking this one belongs to Kong. Just more to do there than in the other films. Yes! I rule!
9:21 – that marquis they have at the top of the stage has kind of been bugging me all night, but I must say seeing it broadcast “It’s hard out here for a pimp” to the entire tuxedoed audience makes it all worthwhile.
Best Original Song – I gotta hope this one goes to Dolly. You KNOW she’d have the best acceptance speech! Oh, damn. Well, I hate to be wrong, but it’s actually pretty damn cool that “Pimp” won – that’s the first time a hip-hop song has won an Oscar, right?
Sound Editing – Mr. Squab: “Jennifer Garner must still be breastfeeding.” Ah, yeah. That’s certainly what it looks like. We say Kong. And Kong it is.
9:32 – The in memoriam section always gets me with at least one person I didn’t know was dead. Like, did I know Sandra Dee was dead? I don’t remember knowing …
9:40 – Best Foreign Film. I called Tsotsi. Purely because I like saying the name. Will it work? Yes! My linguistic fetishes pay off once again!
Film Editing – Let’s say Crash. Ah, yeah, bitches. I can call ’em.
9:45 – Best Actor. I picked Philip Seymour Hoffman for this one. But it’s a strong category … Yes! Hoffman wins! About time! What a sweet speech. I love a man who gives props to his mama. You could tell the other nominees were pleased Hoffman won, too – he’s such an actor’s actor. I have friends who’ve worked with him in NY, and everyone says he’s a sweetheart. Which makes it even nicer.
9:56 – Cinematography. I think Brokeback’s got this one – but no! Memoirs wins again! Boy, I never thought they’d get three Oscars tonight. Especially in such a strong category. Well, damn. I may be below my average this year.
Best Actress – this one’s tight between Reese and Felicity. I called it for Reese. Drumroll … Yes! Nailed it! Very sweet speech, as well. Hope Felicity gets one soon, though.
10:10 – Dude, Dustin Hoffmann is totally tripping. Love it. Best Adapted Screenplay – for real, this one HAS to be Brokeback. Whew. And so it is. Whoa. Gotta give props to McMurtry for having the cojones to wear jeans to the Oscars. He kind of carries it off, too! Ms. Ossana – oh, so serious. You just won an Oscar, baby! Live it up a little!
Best Original Screenplay – I think I called this one for Crash, and particularly since Dillon didn’t win, I think that’s the strongest contender. Yep – they got it. Good for them. Oh, major props for the Brecht quote!
10:20 – Best Director. Gotta be Ang Lee. Woot. Huh – I totally thought he’d won before. Best Picture – Damn, does anyone have more charisma than Jack Nicholson? He just soaks it up, too. WHOA! Crash wins! Holy fucking upset! I thought Brokeback was a shoe-in! Wow. Well, slap my ass and call me Sally. I’m kinda bummed out by that, actually.
Summary: Sort of a quiet year. Jon Stewart was a good host, but tamer than I’d thought he would be. No really outrageous outfits, no outrageous speeches, only one semi-surprise award … little bit boring. I called 16 categories correctly, so my average still stands. So there’s that. Feeling a little post-Oscar letdown. Where’s my Governor’s Ball?