Golden Globes Liveblogging

Ok, keeds. Here we go!! Awards season is officially upon us. Let’s revel in the designer gowns and awkward speeches.

Opening sequence: well, it isn’t quite as annoying as last year’s … is Heidi Klum pregnant AGAIN? What is she, part rabbit?

7:02 First award: Best Supporting Actress in a musical/comedy. No brainer – it goes to Jennifer Hudson. As it should, and she’s cute and gushy. And looks fabulous! J’Approve.

7:08 So, OK, the Justin and Cameron split: who broke up with whom? Does anybody know? Justin looks sort of bereft, but that could just be the pose he’s striking. OH HE DID NOT just disrespect Prince! Ouch. Where’s the love, JT? Without Prince you’d just be an ex-mouseketeer, lovey.

7:12 How weird would it be to have Jack Nicholson for your dad? I mean, how scared would your prom date be to meet the parents?

What the HELL does Jeremy Irons have on his vest? It looks like little stab wounds. It’s like a little asian-inspired, multiple stab-wound ensemble.

7:16 Oh, Tina Fey, Tina Fey. Honey, honey, honey. Here’s a little fashion rule of thumb: never wear a skirt that’s wider than the limo you’re taking to the awards ceremony. And would it kill you to have someone style your hair? I love you, but you are NOT doing yourself any favors here. Kyra, now, looks lovely. Nice to see a woman with a real figure who knows how to dress it.

God, I hate the post-award interviews. “Your husband was so happy for you!” Fuck. What is she supposed to say? I mean, OF COURSE he’s happy for her. Let the woman go backstage and have a damn drink.

7:25 Hugh Grant looks stoned.

I kind of want to like Naomi Watts’s dress, but I don’t think I can. Renee Zellwegger, OTOH, looks fabulous. Not everyone can carry off emerald green – and tea length, at that – but she’s doing it. Please tell me Will Ferrell’s honky-fro is for a movie role. Please.

7:30 When did Puff Daddy get Hollywood cred? Sufficient to present at the Globes? Did I miss something? God, Emily Blunt looks incredible … but um, her voice is so nasal! Did I just miss that in The Devil Wears Prada?

Holy hot actor category: Best male in a television drama. I would not kick any of those men out of bed. No siree. LOVE Hugh Laurie. LOVE HIM. Awesome acceptance speech.

Does Maria Menounos bug the crap out of anyone else? Because she bugs the CRAP out of me.

7:41 Can Charlie Sheen PLEASE get a frickin haircut? And, um, a tailor or something? Surely he can afford a suit that actually, you know, fits him and all. I mean, I know he spends a lot on the prostitutes and the drugs, but c’mon! visit a Men’s Wearhouse, for chrissakes.

… and the award for most fun ‘n’ zany necktie goes to John Lassiter. Yowza.

7:47 How does Annette Bening always, always, always get her hair to look so damn good? OK, Meryl Streep is such a cute mom!! God. And the nice thing is, when she wins, everyone wins, because you can’t get mad at losing to Meryl-frickin-Streep. And her speeches are always so great. (I guess when you’ve had that much practice …)

7:56 So Sascha Baron Cohen did come as himself! Shoot, I was kind of looking forward to Borat’s acceptance speech. … Is anyone out there sexier than Salma Hayek? I mean, I don’t lean that way, but she is just luscious.

8:00 Jack Nicholson is officially wasted. Heh.

8:08 The thing is, Sienna Miller is very pretty, but WHY must she always look mussed? WHY? I mean, her dress is nice, her figure is lovely, but her hair looks like carefully coiffed crap and her face is all shiny and slick looking. Bleh.

8:22 Oh my god, what is that on Vanessa Williams’s head?!?! Did a rabid poodle attack her on her way down the red carpet? Those are the worst hair … I can’t even call them extensions, they’re more like explosions. But whatever they are, they’re BAD.

Note: the set looks disturbingly like a massive tanning booth.

8:33 Ugly Betty won over The Office?!?! I’m sorry, that is not right. I’m sure it’s cute and all, but DOES IT HAVE DWIGHT SCHRUTE??? I think not. Case closed.

8:37 Sharon Stone = scaaaaaary. Is it Botox? Or is she just one of the undead?

8:49 Jennifer Love. I actually liked her for like a season on Party of Five, you know? But now she’s so … cringeworthy. And that dress is like some kind of fucked up carmelized upside down boobcake.

OK, maybe I need to actually watch Ugly Betty before I get all bitchy about it. I mean, I love the symbolism of America Ferrara winning, and she’s super cute and all. I just don’t get the sense it’s that great of a show. Plus I think it’s on against Grey’s Anatomy and I cannot miss my weekly McDreamy fix. I have to have my priorities.

9:00 Has anyone told Tom Hanks that he’s not actually in The Da Vinci Code anymore? Tom: you can cut your hair now. Really. If you need the name of a stylist, I’m sure Rita can suggest one. Her hair always looks pretty nice.

9:18 Awwww. Warren wuvs his wittow Annette. I actually find that rather charming.

9:28 Reese, baby, lookin’ GOOD. Divorce suits you.

Er … has anyone ever said “anus and testicles” in a Golden Globes acceptance speech before? Because it’s about damn time. Not to mention “rancid bubble.” Oh, shit. That acceptance speech CAPS it. Awesome.

9:45 You wanna know why Grey’s Anatomy is so awesome? Look at all those women and people of color up there on that stage. THAT’S why, dammit.

Who’s better than Helen Mirren? Way to rock the double Globes, girlfriend! True, your own could possibly have benefitted from some slightly more structured undergarments, but it’s your night: we’ll let it pass.

9:55 I gotta be honest: Forest Whittaker kind of gives me the creeps. I know he’s an amazing actor, I do, but somehow I can’t get past the creep factor. Is anyone with me? No?

10:03 Alec Baldwin and Alejandro González Iñárritu BOTH gave crap to the Governator. Ass-ome.

SUMMARY: A pretty satisfying show this year. The right people mostly won, and there were a few enjoyable drunk/high moments. No major fashion disasters … no, wait, I’d blocked out Vanessa Williams’s hair. *shudder* Can’t wait for the Oscars!!

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