OK, I tried to hold off, but I have to liveblog this. (Exchange in the Squab household: Me – “I should totally liveblog this.” Mr. Squab – “Don’t be retarded.” Me – “But that way I can share my snarky remarks with all the world!”) I frickin’ love the Golden Globes. Scroll down for updates.
7:10 pm – God, George Clooney is hot. And way to make a Jack Abramoff joke! Extra points for you. But wtf is Adrian Brody wearing? Why the ascot and vest, Adrian, why?!?! And have you heard of these people “barbers?” They can really make a guy look good. Think about it.
7:12 pm – Um … is Rachel Weisz pregs? Or is her dress just really, really not doing her any favors? The color, at any rate is blech. Anything that can make someone that gorgeous look that green-at-the-gills needs to be tossed out.
7:19 – Holy SHIT, Kate Beckinsdale! Are those emeralds dangling from your ears or small countries? Can you say ostentatious?
7:21 – Yay, Sandra Oh! Love her, love her show, love that she apparently can’t find her way to the stage right now to accept her award. How cute is she?
7:27 – OK, I love Drew Barrymore, but I wish she hadn’t delegated her presenting duties to HER NIPPLES. Oy. Don’t get me wrong, nipples are beautiful things, but they’re just a little distracting when they’re staring at me from my TV screen. … So, does anyone else hate Emmy Rossum? She reminds me of a set of girls I went to high school with that were fairly talented and fairly pretty and completely snotty who I always wanted to smack. Is that unfair?
7:31 – Can someone just tell Nicolette Sheridan to quit with the botox already? Honestly, it’s not natural to have so little movement in your forehead. Jesse L. Martin, on the other hand, is smokin’.
7:35 – Ooh, the male lead in a TV drama category has got to be the hands down hottest set of nominees. Mmm … Patrick Dempsey … mmm … Matthew Fox … mmm … Hugh Laurie … excuse me while I clean the drool off my keyboard. Woof.
… Why is it that the speeches are so much better at the Golden Globes than the Oscars? Is it the booze factor? Is it because there aren’t such draconian time limits? Less performance anxiety? I dunno the reasons, but there have already been 3 great acceptance speeches this year, and that’s more than you sometimes get the entire ceremony at the Oscars. Maybe they should start taping flasks to the seats at Academy Awards or something.
7:44 – Poor Dakota Johnson. She is not looking too happy to be the Golden Globes Girl this year. Or maybe it’s just the humiliation of having Melanie “I’m-Still-Mentally-Stuck-at-16” Griffith as her mom. I know that would give me a permanently sour expression.
7:50 – Woohoo!! Steve Carell wins for The Office! He’s like, the funniest man on the planet. I love it when the right people win. Plus now we get a hilarious speech. Woot.
7:58 – Whoa. Is Tim Robbins sporting a shag? Please let this be in preparation for a role, and not some weird midlife-crisis related fashion error. Me no likey.
8:00 – Reese, baby, I love you, and you kicked some serious ass in Walk the Line, but what’s with the weird top to your dress? You normally look soverycute all the time, and now you’re sporting this weird lamé fringey thing that sort of hits you mid-nipple (is this a theme?) – I don’t know … I’m not feeling it.
8:11 – Can I just state for the record how much Kiera Knightley BUGS?!?! Quit pouting, already. You are not that precious. You seem like a nice enough girl – if you could just be a little less self-conscious maybe I could watch you on screen without gritting my teeth. OK, then.
8:36 – It’s not that I don’t like Desperate Housewives – it’s totally my guilty pleasure – it’s just … it’s getting a little overexposed, no?
8:41 – Why do the foreign films always look so much more interesting than most of the American films? And why do I nonetheless see almost none of them? These are the imponderables of life.
8:56 – Seriously, how fucking gorgeous is Gwyneth Paltrow? She must be, what, 5 months pregs? Talk about glowing. I want to look like her when I grow up.
9:20 – Joaquin, Joaquin, did you learn nothing from the Hilary Swank episode? How could you forget to thank Reese? I mean, I know it must be nerve-wracking up there, but that is rule ONE.
9:26 – Oh, Renee, so serious. It’s the Globes, baby! Have a little fun!
9:40 – What did Dennis Quaid just say about Brokeback Mountain? “It’s a controversial film … let’s just say it rhymes with ‘chick flick’.” WTF? Did he mean “dick flick?” And if so, um, holy crass comment, batman!
9:53 – Is anyone else depressed at the contrast between the best women’s and best men’s performance categories? The best male performance was chock full of really solid performances in major films; the best female performance was … slim pickens. (Thank god for Felicity Huffman, who rocks.) I mean, it’s not like there aren’t absolutely amazing woman actors out there, just itching to get their claws on a really meaty role – so why aren’t those roles being written for them? Where are the major, critically acclaimed, wide-release films with juicy roles for women? It’s always a problem, but this year seems worse than usual.
10:00 – Well, another year done. Overall, nice but not outstanding ceremony. Decent speeches (but no drunk Sharon Stones to lighten the mood), high fashion (though I lament the lack of any Bjork or Cher-level disasters), and the awards mostly went to the right people (yay, Philip Seymour Hoffman!). Now, to start prepping for the Oscars …