Kids Are Weird, Thursday edition

Recurring conversations we have had in our house of late:

During lunch (dinner, snack, breakfast, etc.) …

Hatchling: [BURP] Oh! Excuuse me! Tee hee! (She actually says “tee hee.” And covers her mouth coyly with her fingertips. My eyes could not roll any harder.) Mama, I said ‘excuse me!’

Me: Good job, honey.

Hatchling: [BUUURP] Oh! Excuuse me! Tee hee!

Me: (warningly) Honey …

Hatchling: (trying really hard to push another one out) [BEHHHP] OH! EXCUUUUSE ME! TEE HEE!

Me: Look, let’s not try to burp, ok?

Hatchling: But I say ‘excuse me,’ Mama! I have big burps!

Me: Yeah, it’s good to say excuse me, but don’t make yourself burp, ok? Just, uh, let them come out naturally. (Because that’s a phrase a three-year-old will get. Definitely.)

Hatchling: Okay, okay, OKAY, Mama. (Brief pause. Takes large, airy gulp of beverage.) [BUURRRPP] Oh! Excuuuse me! Tee hee! That was a big one, Mama!

Me: (slowly bangs head against table)

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Before nap or bedtime …

Me: do you want to wear your socks to bed?

Hatchling: One sock. (sticks out foot)

Me: …

Hatchling: Take-a off, Mama.

Me: You just want one sock off?

Hatchling: Yes. Take-a off DIS one.

Me: (takes off sock) Really?

Hatchling: Yes. There. ALL better.