It’s day one of Revisions Week in squab country. Mamasquab has come all the way from Michigan to watch the Hatchling during the day so I can have extended writing/revising time on Ye Olde Dissertatione. I’m back in regular contact with my dissertation director after a long break. Things are progressing, and it looks like it might actually be possible for me to have this damn thing finished and off my back by June. At long, long, long fucking last. So I should be feeling good, right? I mean, these are positive developments that have been a long time – far TOO long a time – coming.
Instead, however, I find myself in the grip of a deep blue depressive panic session. I’ve got a jukebox of writer’s block greatest hits running through my head. The Top Ten numbers include:
1. I hate this; I’m no good at revisions and never have been.
2. I would much rather be at home playing with my daughter.
3. I don’t even want this stupid degree in the first place; if I had it to do over again I’d never go in this direction.
4. It’s not like I’m even going to get a decent JOB out of all this.
5. What the hell am I even trying to SAY? Who cares what I think about stupid Joan of Arc in the stupid 19th century?
6. I can’t even believe I’ve wasted so much time and money on this crap. What am I, crazy?
7. Of course, with all these student loans to pay off, I damn well BETTER have a degree to show for it, whether I want it or not.
8. God, it’s hard to write. Why is it so HARD? God, I’m lazy.
9. What if I do all these revisions and it’s still not enough? What if my committee wants two or three more sets of revisions? How much longer am I willing to work on this thing before I just say, fuck it?
10. But how could I live with myself if I got this close and didn’t finish?
Ain’t that a great selection? Boy, just gets your toes tapping and makes you wanna WRITE, don’t it?
Fuck. Fortunately for me, I have very intelligent and downright decent blog-friends, like Jordan, who posted this today. It was just what I needed to read. Not that I’m feeling insanely optimistic now or anything, but her post at least gave me the gumption to tell myself to SHUT UP already and just get to it and do something. So I’m going to go do that now. I’ll let you know how it goes.