tap-tap-tap … Is this thing on?

Wait … I have a BLOG? Holy crap, why didn’t anyone tell me?!?!

OK, I know it’s been about forever since I last posted. I can always tell that it’s been too long when I start getting concerned emails from friends and family with carefully worded greetings along the lines of “oh, hi, hope everything is ok! Sure do miss those blog posts! I’m sure you’re just really busy!” but where the subtext is clearly “JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU ALIVE? POST SOMETHING, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

So, you know. Message received. And sorry to be the cause for concern. Why have I not been posting, you ask? Lord, I don’t know. Part of it is that I’m busy. I can’t really post when the Hatchling is up, because if she sees the laptop open she either requests, repeatedly, to watch “bee-yos” (videos) or wants to “push button” which results in very distracted, if not illegible, blog posts. When she naps, I nap, so no posting then. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights I’m either teaching or at meetings or rehearsals, so that’s out. Which basically leaves weekends, Monday nights and Friday nights as possible blogging time, and lately I haven’t had the gumption those times to do much more than catch up on TV or read novels. Which brings me to the other reason for the lack of posts: no gumption. I’m not depressed, exactly. I *am* motherloving tired All. The. Time. And … have I mentioned how I don’t enjoy the pregnancy thing so much? Yah. I really, really, really, really-to-the-nth-power do not fucking enjoy being pregnant. Love the result, hate the process. I just feel shitty all the time, and I’m having a hard time keeping my blood sugars where they should be, and I’m already sick of restricting my diet to diabetes-approved items and I’m already HUGE and I cannot find a comfortable position to sleep in so I don’t get much sleep and I still have like five months to go and it’s just going to get worse. And what’s even worse than the physical discomforts – which are legion – is the guilt for not being able to pull my weight around the house. Seriously, I think I’ve cooked a meal, like, once in the past two weeks. Mr. Squab does ALL the laundry. I almost never have the energy (or, increasingly, the coordination) to pick up after the Hatchling, so Mr. Squab typically comes home from a day’s work to a dirty kitchen, a hyper toddler, a living room that looks like it’s been hit by a smallish tornado, and a wife who’s cranky he couldn’t get home earlier and feels like she needs a break. God, it’s demoralizing. And the sense of guilt makes me even crankier, so I don’t always even say thank you or otherwise show some semblance of gratitude. Not because I’m not thankful, but because acknowledging the huge imbalance is so painful. Which … is just really not a nice way to behave. Mr. Squab never complains about it (though he did say the other day that it’s a good thing I’m cute when I’m pregnant because otherwise he’d never make it), and my friends all keep reminding me that, hello, it’s not like I’m not doing anything – I’m growing a freaking human inside me! – and I know this is true. And, like my sister says, it’s not as if this is our whole marriage; this is just a brief moment on the long timeline of our relationship, and there will no doubt come a day when I will have the opportunity to repay the kindness. It’s just hard to feel that way when you’re in the middle of it, you know?

So anyway, blah, blah, blah, whine whine whine. This is the kind of stuff on my mind lately, and it’s just so BORING to be so pissy all the time. And if even *I* find it boring, I don’t feel like I should inflict it on my lovely blog readers. Who am I to waste your valuable blog reading time? However, I will try not to take unintentional week-long hiatuses (hiati? hiatae?) anymore. After all, not everything here in squab-land is dismal. The Hatchling is being an extremely awesome little trouper about having only a partially-functional mama, and is keeping us entertained with her various weird pronouncements and activities. (We have decided that 2 1/2 is the age of weird; I’ll have to post more specifics later this week.) I have an amazing set of friends who help keep me afloat, doing everything from giving me huge bags of hand-me-down clothes for the ever-embiggening Hatchling to offering me housekeeping and massage (!!!) services when I’m feeling particularly beleaguered. And this week – on Thursday – we’re going to find out what flavor of baby we’re having, which will be exciting. Plus it looks like Obama’s going to win (knock wood, cross fingers, throw salt over shoulder, etc.), so that’s, you know, good. And stuff.

Anyway, that’s my update. And how are all of YOU doing?

Comments are closed.