This week’s pregnancy lesson

If you’re in the third trimester and vaguely resemble a beached whale in profile, it is perhaps not the wisest move to lie down on your back so you can zip up your recently washed jeans. This is true because:

a) What the fuck are you still trying to wear jeans for? You’re in the THIRD TRIMESTER. You should be wearing something stretchy that closely resembles pajamas at all times.

b) Even if you do manage to get the zipper up with this technique, you will then remain stranded on your bed, much like a tortoise on its back, flailing around from side to side in an effort to regain uprightness, for approximately five minutes. Your toddler will think this is funny. (“What doing, Mama? I try? You help-a me?”) You, however, will not.

Thus endeth the pregnancy lesson for the week.

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