So remember back when I was bitching about how the suckiest part of being a SAHM is no sick days? Well, little did I realize that we, too, can have them, just by following these few simple steps:
- Catch your three-year-old’s vicious stomach virus, which turns your entire insides into liquid.
- Spend evening from 5 pm to 11:30 pm violently retching every 15 minutes, incidentally scaring the bejeezus out of said three-year-old. (Hard to reassure someone that you’re OK when you’re puking your guts out. Hatchling: Mama, oh no! What’s wrong, Mama? Me: BLAEAHHEHGHRHG. (brightly) Mama’s fine, honey! Mama just feels a little sick! BLOURHGEAHRGHG. Hatchling: Mama!! (crying hysterically) Me: It’s ok, honey, Mama’s ok! Can you hand Mama the wipes?)
- Get up approx. every 45 minutes, all night long, to, um, well, basically vomit from the other end, if you know what I’m saying.
- Pray frequently for death or at least coma.
- Spend next day in bed with intense body aches, a fever, and a fear of solid foods, too tired to even read. (Which, if you know me, is like being too tired to breathe or something.)
See? Just five easy steps and your longed-for sick day can actually come to pass. Though frankly, if I’m being honest, I gotta say it’s not really worth it.