Liveblogging Oscars 2009: Preshow

OK, keeds. It’s that time of year, and since we once again did not get our acts together in time to have an Oscar party, I will be liveblogging the awards. Keep hitting that refresh button for new injections of snark!

First, here are my predictions for some of the major categories:
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: “Jai Ho” from Slumdog. But only because Bruce was ROBBED.
Art Direction and Cinematography: Dark Knight
Foreign Language: Waltz with Bashir
Documentary: Man on Wire
Animated Film: Uh, Wall-E. DUH.
Best Actress: Kate Winslet. It’s her year, dammit!
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke. Yeah, he’s a freak, but it was really an amazing performance, and I’m kind of over Sean Penn.
Best Supporting Actor: the inevitable Heath Ledger win.
Best Supporting Actress: I want it to be Marisa Tomei, but I’m guessing it will go to Viola Davis.
Best Director: Danny Boyle
Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire

Now on to the snark!

5:27 – When did Zac Efron start looking so skeezy all the time? Is it just that he needs a haircut? Also, could Ryan Seacrest be MORE of a tool? No. The answer is no.

5:40 – Um, is that a necklace on Amy Adams, or a BREASTPLATE? Nobody better try to attack that girl with a spear, I tell you what.

5:45 – Um, the Slumdog kids are pretty much the cutest ever. Even the Seacrest cannot spoil their cute. In other news, Melissa Leo looks gorgeous, in a shade of bronze that would make me look like I was wearing pure baby poo, but makes her just light up. Well played, Ms. Leo. Meanwhile, the E! commentators are all gushing over Taraji P. Henson’s ensemble, but my personal response to it is: Meh.

5:55 – OK, I never thought I’d say this, but Heidi Klum actually does not look that amazing tonight. I mean, she can pull off anything but the top of that red dress is just not doing anything for her. Or me. Am I wrong? … Viola Davis: How are you not gonna love her?

Right: switching over to the Baba Wawa special. OK, the Jonas Brothers aren’t actually nominated for an Oscar, are they? Did I miss something? Why are they on this show? Actually, why are they, period? This is a phenom I do not get.

6:20 – Yeah, can’t take it anymore. Back to E! Have Sarah Jessica Parker’s boobs gotten bigger? Why won’t they show us her whole dress? Oooh, Natalie Portman is wearing fuschia. I love the color!

6:37 – Back to Baba Wawa, in time to catch the quote of the night: Mickey Rourke on winning the Oscar: he’d be very honored and touched to win it, but at the end of the day you can’t “eat it, fuck it, and it won’t get you into heaven.” (Mr. Squab: “I am so using that for my yearly review.”)

6:45 – Yowza. Those are some GREEN earrings Ms. Jolie is sporting this evening. Kind of like small earring-shaped aliens are colonizing her head. Oh, Kate Winslet is stunning. Hair, dress, the works. Totally dressed to win. (Mr. Squab: “I would do her in a SECOND.” She’s totally on his list.)

6:47 – Back to Baba Wawa. Y’all, I just loooooove Hugh Jackman. It’s not just the looks and the accent and the biceps and the rawr. It’s the awesome dadness and the fabulous wife and the diversity of talent and … mmmm. He’s on MY list. Also that story about his dad? Sooooo made me tear up.

7:00 – OK, now over to the official preshow. Can they just have Tim Gunn do ALL the preshows? He is so much less annoying than any of the other hosts. Diane Lane’s dress = Boooorrrring. Still not loving Amy Adam’s jeweled neck brace. OK, I can finally see SJP’s whole dress. I like it. I don’t LOVE it, but I like it. Matthew Broderick, dude, loosen UP. … I’m still “Meh” on Taraji Henson’s dress, but her hair is fabulous. Awwwww … Frank Langella brought his daughter! Love it!

7:05 – Can someone please explain to me why Brangelina won’t talk to anyone on the red carpet? Tim Gunn practically had to waylay them just to tell them they looked good. I mean, really, if you don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t do the red carpet. It’s not required. You can just go right in.

7:10 – See, and now we learn a little bit about Valentino. Tim Gunn makes the preshow fucking educational, y’all. Whoa. Mickey Rourke went for the white-gambling-formal-cowboy-gangster look this evening. If he and Tilda Swinton would just start dating, how sartorially AWESOME would it be?

7:14 – What THE FUCK is Miley Cyrus wearing? Here’s a little tip for all you kids out there: if you have to ask whether it’s couture or layer cake, DO NOT WEAR THE DRESS.

7:21 – Feeling the love for Richard Jenkins. Just had to share. OK, Jack Black: I’m guessing you are at a point in your career where you can afford shirts and ties that, like, actually fit around your manly neck. Yes? Perhaps the Oscars would be a good time to try that out. … Marisa looking lovely. I’m kind of tired of the whole fishtail silhouette, but she’s pulling it off. Lesley Mann, on the other hand … no, girl. No. Say NO to the chainmail dress. No one is going to pierce you with a lance on the red carpet, I promise. Although I kind of want to after seeing that dress.

OK! Time for the show!

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