Things that run through one’s mind while driving home from brunch with a screaming hungry baby in the back seat

1. No big deal, she’ll settle down in a few minutes – she loves car rides.

2. OK, so she’s hungry – it’s only a 10 minute drive, she’ll be fine until we get home.

3. Erk. She sounds really pissed. Should I pull over?

4. All right, get a grip. We’re almost there, don’t be such a new parent ninny.

5. OMG, I’m totally wrecking her two-week-old psyche. She’s crying and I’m not there to comfort her! What kind of message is that sending her? I’M A TERRIBLE MOTHER!

6. Right, deep breaths. Crying for 5 minutes is not going to leave lasting scars. She won’t even remember it in 1/2 an hour. Now focus on your driving so you don’t have a fricking car accident before you get home.

7. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, could I hit MORE red lights?

8. Why does everyone on this road drive so goddamn SLOWLY?

9. I wonder if I can start breastfeeding her while getting her out of her carseat …

10. Home! Thank GOD. Clearly, there’s only one solution: I’m never going out again.

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