Category Archives: quizzes and lists

I write letters

1. Dear student,

Contrary to popular belief, it is not actually my problem that you haven’t gotten your textbook yet. Having ordered the books for the school bookstore, posted direct links to three different online vendors, and provided you with copies of the first two weeks’ readings, I really feel like my job with respect to your acquisition of the (single, reasonably priced, REQUIRED) text is completely done. I mean, really.

Best wishes, the Squab

2. Dear Other Student,

You registered two weeks late. You didn’t contact me until I noticed you on the roster and emailed to see why you hadn’t logged in. You said you needed to talk with me on the phone to “discuss expectations,” but the number you provided was non-functioning and though I gave you my number you never called. We’re now in week five and you still have not logged in … to this exclusively online course. Can you please just cut me some freaking slack and drop already?

For real, the Squab

3. Dear Language Disorder,

Please back the FUCK OFF my kid.

Incredibly sincerely, the Squab

4. Dear State of MN,

Thank you for finally stopping the sociopathic weather and granting us several delightful June days. Now can you please hold off with the 90s and high humidity until we get the new patio in? I’m not joking. YOU OWE ME.

Much obliged, the Squab

Preventing sexual assault: Tips guaranteed to work!

Love this.

Please distribute this list. Put it up in your place of work, in your university’s library or wherever you think they might be read:

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

Via. (h/t to my mom)

What you can get out and what you can’t

Based on my personal experience in the last two days …

Things you can get out of the sofa fabric:
– Big black streaks of marker (thank you Crayola washable markers)
– Spit up
– Dorito “cheese”

Things that you CANNOT get out of a three-year-old’s hair after an outdoor playgroup:
– Dirt
– Tree seeds (those ones that look like rolled oats)
– Tiny pieces of mown grass
– Various seed pods

Seriously. I washed her hair for about 1/2 after we got home, and she still has miscellaneous yard detritus all over. Maybe next time I should scotchgard her ahead of time. It worked with the sofa.

Final Countdown: T minus 5 days

Daily Index:

WatchingAmerican Idol. Because my brain is just that fried.
Eating – What have you got? No, seriously. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT.
Reading Bridge of Sighs by Richard Russo. Because my brain isn’t that fried. Although I can only manage about 10 pages before I fall asleep.
Wearing – only stretchy jersey-type fabrics. In XXL. Don’t judge.
Hearing – the harmonious sounds of my almost-three-year-old daughter making up nonsense songs, repeatedly requesting to play with my iPhone or watch a “bideo” on the computer, and running/dancing around the living room with just her diaper on.
Cursing – the fucking SNOWSTORM currently raging outside my windows. Also the fact that the high tomorrow is supposed to be, like, 5 degrees. At least it’s supposed to warm up again by the weekend.
Loving – that my long-suffering husband, when he comes home and I’m all pregnant-pissy-cannot-be-pleasant, instead of shooting me the evil eye gets on the phone and orders me my favorite take-out pasta and plays with the Hatchling to get her out of my hair.

“A” is for Answers meme

Because, like Christopher says, hell if I’m going to do this and not re-purpose it for blog-fodder!

Rules: It’s harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . .nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: Elise
2. A four Letter Word: Uh … eff-off? exit?
3. A boy’s Name: Ethelred
4. A girl’s Name: Esther
5. An occupation: Elevator operator
7. Something you wear: elbow patches
8. A food: eclairs … emmenthaler … eggs … mmmmmm
9. Something found in the bathroom: epsom salts
10. A place: entryway; England
11. A reason for being: esprit; elan; ephemera
12. Something you shout: Egads! (no, really; I shout that sometimes)
13. A movie title: Ever After
14. Something you drink: Evian; egg creme; Everclear (shudder)
15. A musical group: Eurythmics
16. An animal: Elephant
17. A street name: Emerson
18. A type of car: Edsel. Sadly.
19. A song title: Every Breath You Take
20. A verb: evince

Consider yourself tagged.


Ha! Got this from my friend Alex. Had to share. Thanks for the home remedy suggestions! I will try them all.
more music charts

New Year’s Rejections

So, while I get the principle of New Year’s resolutions, they mostly make me feel like a failure at some point during the year, and lord knows I don’t need any help with THAT. I’m having a bit of a downer of a week anyway, partly trying not to get freaked out about the second kid, partly money worries (join the club!) partly that I’ve been on a Nick Hornby streak lately, and while the dude can definitely write and is often funnier than hell, he’s not always exactly uplifting. Also: this FUCKING MINNESOTA WEATHER. Christ, I hate the cold and the snow. And I hate it even worse when I’m responsible not only for moving my own fat pregnant ass around but also a squirming, slightly rambunctious toddler, size XL.

But I digress. The point is, I decided it would make me feel better to list the things I plan on rejecting in 2009. So here’s a list of things that will be getting a big ole middle finger accompanied by several rude noises in the coming 12 months:

1. Dieting. Rejected totally, comprehensively, and absolutely. ‘Cos it doesn’t work, one, and it’s bollocks science, two, and it sucks, three.

2. People dying. Yeah, I know it will still happen, but I REJECT IT.

3. Feeling like a failure either professionally, maternally, socially, or otherwise. I will do the best I can on all fronts, and people will just have to DEAL.

4. Bigotry. One of these days I’m going to be behind a car with a “Yes on Prop 8” or those stupid mudflap girls or, hell, even “Bush/Cheney ’04” and I am just going to REAR END IT. Consider yourselves warned, people who almost certainly do not read this blog.

5. Shitty TV/Movies/Music. Unless it’s the good kind of shitty. Because life is just too short.

Whew, that feels better. Join me in some negativity, won’t you? What do you reject this year?