Category Archives: quizzes and lists

I write letters

1. Dear student,

Contrary to popular belief, it is not actually my problem that you haven’t gotten your textbook yet. Having ordered the books for the school bookstore, posted direct links to three different online vendors, and provided you with copies of the first two weeks’ readings, I really feel like my job with respect to your acquisition of the (single, reasonably priced, REQUIRED) text is completely done. I mean, really.

Best wishes, the Squab

2. Dear Other Student,

You registered two weeks late. You didn’t contact me until I noticed you on the roster and emailed to see why you hadn’t logged in. You said you needed to talk with me on the phone to “discuss expectations,” but the number you provided was non-functioning and though I gave you my number you never called. We’re now in week five and you still have not logged in … to this exclusively online course. Can you please just cut me some freaking slack and drop already?

For real, the Squab

3. Dear Language Disorder,

Please back the FUCK OFF my kid.

Incredibly sincerely, the Squab

4. Dear State of MN,

Thank you for finally stopping the sociopathic weather and granting us several delightful June days. Now can you please hold off with the 90s and high humidity until we get the new patio in? I’m not joking. YOU OWE ME.

Much obliged, the Squab

Preventing sexual assault: Tips guaranteed to work!

Love this.

Please distribute this list. Put it up in your place of work, in your university’s library or wherever you think they might be read:

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

Via. (h/t to my mom)

What you can get out and what you can’t

Based on my personal experience in the last two days …

Things you can get out of the sofa fabric:
– Big black streaks of marker (thank you Crayola washable markers)
– Spit up
– Dorito “cheese”

Things that you CANNOT get out of a three-year-old’s hair after an outdoor playgroup:
– Dirt
– Tree seeds (those ones that look like rolled oats)
– Tiny pieces of mown grass
– Various seed pods

Seriously. I washed her hair for about 1/2 after we got home, and she still has miscellaneous yard detritus all over. Maybe next time I should scotchgard her ahead of time. It worked with the sofa.

Final Countdown: T minus 5 days

Daily Index:

WatchingAmerican Idol. Because my brain is just that fried.
Eating – What have you got? No, seriously. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT.
Reading Bridge of Sighs by Richard Russo. Because my brain isn’t that fried. Although I can only manage about 10 pages before I fall asleep.
Wearing – only stretchy jersey-type fabrics. In XXL. Don’t judge.
Hearing – the harmonious sounds of my almost-three-year-old daughter making up nonsense songs, repeatedly requesting to play with my iPhone or watch a “bideo” on the computer, and running/dancing around the living room with just her diaper on.
Cursing – the fucking SNOWSTORM currently raging outside my windows. Also the fact that the high tomorrow is supposed to be, like, 5 degrees. At least it’s supposed to warm up again by the weekend.
Loving – that my long-suffering husband, when he comes home and I’m all pregnant-pissy-cannot-be-pleasant, instead of shooting me the evil eye gets on the phone and orders me my favorite take-out pasta and plays with the Hatchling to get her out of my hair.

“A” is for Answers meme

Because, like Christopher says, hell if I’m going to do this and not re-purpose it for blog-fodder!

Rules: It’s harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . .nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: Elise
2. A four Letter Word: Uh … eff-off? exit?
3. A boy’s Name: Ethelred
4. A girl’s Name: Esther
5. An occupation: Elevator operator
7. Something you wear: elbow patches
8. A food: eclairs … emmenthaler … eggs … mmmmmm
9. Something found in the bathroom: epsom salts
10. A place: entryway; England
11. A reason for being: esprit; elan; ephemera
12. Something you shout: Egads! (no, really; I shout that sometimes)
13. A movie title: Ever After
14. Something you drink: Evian; egg creme; Everclear (shudder)
15. A musical group: Eurythmics
16. An animal: Elephant
17. A street name: Emerson
18. A type of car: Edsel. Sadly.
19. A song title: Every Breath You Take
20. A verb: evince

Consider yourself tagged.


Ha! Got this from my friend Alex. Had to share. Thanks for the home remedy suggestions! I will try them all.
more music charts

New Year’s Rejections

So, while I get the principle of New Year’s resolutions, they mostly make me feel like a failure at some point during the year, and lord knows I don’t need any help with THAT. I’m having a bit of a downer of a week anyway, partly trying not to get freaked out about the second kid, partly money worries (join the club!) partly that I’ve been on a Nick Hornby streak lately, and while the dude can definitely write and is often funnier than hell, he’s not always exactly uplifting. Also: this FUCKING MINNESOTA WEATHER. Christ, I hate the cold and the snow. And I hate it even worse when I’m responsible not only for moving my own fat pregnant ass around but also a squirming, slightly rambunctious toddler, size XL.

But I digress. The point is, I decided it would make me feel better to list the things I plan on rejecting in 2009. So here’s a list of things that will be getting a big ole middle finger accompanied by several rude noises in the coming 12 months:

1. Dieting. Rejected totally, comprehensively, and absolutely. ‘Cos it doesn’t work, one, and it’s bollocks science, two, and it sucks, three.

2. People dying. Yeah, I know it will still happen, but I REJECT IT.

3. Feeling like a failure either professionally, maternally, socially, or otherwise. I will do the best I can on all fronts, and people will just have to DEAL.

4. Bigotry. One of these days I’m going to be behind a car with a “Yes on Prop 8” or those stupid mudflap girls or, hell, even “Bush/Cheney ’04” and I am just going to REAR END IT. Consider yourselves warned, people who almost certainly do not read this blog.

5. Shitty TV/Movies/Music. Unless it’s the good kind of shitty. Because life is just too short.

Whew, that feels better. Join me in some negativity, won’t you? What do you reject this year?


The Hatchling has been sick since yesterday with what we this evening determined is probably a double ear infection. No one has gotten much sleep the last two nights, and tonight isn’t looking much better. Mostly all she wants to do is cling to my side and watch PBS kids. So … not so much with the blogging time, or the any other kind of time. Fortunately, I got tagged, which is a synonym for lazy blogging. Hopefully I can get this post done before the Hatchling needs urgent maternal attention again.

1. Five names you go by
a) Elise
b) Ceesa
c) Mama
d) Lees
e) Elisimo/Imo

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
a) Stretchy maternity pants
b) Stretchy maternity top
c) Irish totem necklace

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:
a) To win the lottery.
b) A healthy child who can return to her normal excellent sleeping habits.

4. Three people whom I would like to see fill this out:
a) Scott
b) Question
c) Miz E

5. Two things you did last night (Friday, 12/5):
a) Ate Chipotle (mmmm)
b) Watched a truly unhealthy amount of Sesame Street

6. Two things you ate/drank today:
a) Unbelievably good wild rice soup (courtesy my mother-in-law)
b) Pomegranate 7-up (pretty good!)

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone:
a) My sister, getting an update on the baby
b) My BFF, putting in my order for Chipotle

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
a) Take the Hatchling to the urgent care pediatrician
b) (fingers crossed) get a Christmas tree and start decorating the house

9. Two longest car rides:
a) Athens, GA to St. Cloud, MN
b) Columbus, OH to Santa Barbara, CA

10. Two of your favorite beverages:
a) caramel cafe lattes
b) chocolate malts


Pick a color for the things that you have done. Mine are in red letters.
I have…
1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Skied a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant


Here are some things to distract you from those election day jitters:

1. Take this quiz on the Obama and McCain campaigns. I got 19 out of 30. Can you beat me?

2. Check out this cool NYT gadget. I love the differences between the Obama and McCain words.

3. Lookit my new nephew!! Born this very morning at 9 am. Welcome to the world, Jackson Hunter Chemay!

Oh, what? I haven’t posted in a kajillion days? Quick, look – here’s a fluff post!

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic.

You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything.

You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests.

You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time.

Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to.

(But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.)

You excel in: Inspiring people

You get along best with: The Question Mark