Monthly Archives: December 2006

This one hits home

Things You Didn’t Put On Your Resumé
by Joyce Sutphen

How often you got up in the middle of the night
when one of your children had a bad dream,

and sometimes you woke because you thought
you heard a cry but they were all sleeping,

so you stood in the moonlight just listening
to their breathing, and you didn’t mention

that you were an expert at putting toothpaste
on tiny toothbrushes and bending down to wiggle

the toothbrush ten times on each tooth while
you sang the words to songs from Annie, and

who would suspect that you know the fingerings
to the songs in the first four books of the Suzuki

Violin Method and that you can do the voices
of Pooh and Piglet especially well, though

your absolute favorite thing to read out loud is
Bedtime for Frances and that you picked

up your way of reading it from Glynnis Johns,
and it is, now that you think of it, rather impressive

that you read all of Narnia and all of the Ring Trilogy
(and others too many to mention here) to them

before they went to bed and on way out to
Yellowstone, which is another thing you don’t put

on the resumé: how you took them to the ocean
and the mountains and brought them safely home.

8 months old

Dearest Hatchling,
On Monday, you turned a whopping eight months old. This is a great age to experience your first Christmas, because a) you won’t remember any of it, so we can ask for lots of boring stuff like clothes and safety gates for presents, b) you’re not crawling yet, so the tree and ornaments and candles are safe from your imprecations, and c) you’ll be thrilled just to rip at wrapping paper and play with ribbons on Christmas morning. Much like the cats. Hm. Anyway, I have to admit that I’m looking forward to opening your gifts much more than my own, since they’re virtually guaranteed to be cuter.

Peep-eye!

Speaking of cuter, you are. We went to a very chi-chi mall today for lunch, and flirty doesn’t even begin to describe your behavior with all the wealthy matrons and less wealthy nannies populating the stores. I mean, really, it was shameless. You don’t just give out smiles to anybody, of course; you make them work for it. They coo and make funny faces and tell you how pretty your blue eyes are, and only when you deem their attitude to be appropriately worshipful do you bestow a slow, huge, toothy grin on them, thereby making their hearts explode. You also have a new trick of reaching out one or both arms towards the receiver of the smile, which makes it all the more endearing.

I CRUSH your head

On the flip side, you’re also in the throes of separation anxiety, which makes it extremely difficult for your Mamala to do anything without you. As long as you’re in my arms or right next to me, you’re a veritable social butterfly. But as soon as I leave your sight, or – god forbid – abandon you to the care of an adoring babysitter, you just lose it. The height of this behavior so far came last night when we had to drop your grandparents off at the airport. You’d been perfectly amiable all day and seemed OK with getting into your carseat. But as soon as I closed your door and hopped into the drivers’ seat, it was as though someone was sticking red hot needles into your eyeballs or something. I mean, you just LOST it. Your poor Oma, who was sitting in back with you, tried everything she could think of to calm you down, but you weren’t having any of it. You cried so hard you threw up your supper all over yourself (which didn’t help matters any) and you kept twisting and turning to try and see me in the front seat – no easy feat from a rear-facing car seat. You were so beside yourself we thought maybe there was something else wrong, like something poking you or a sudden earache or something. But no; as soon as we got to the airport and I took you out of your seat for a little cuddle, you were completely fine – it was like flipping an “off” switch. You gave your grandparents a watery good-bye smile, we packed you back into the car, and you happily babbled and cooed all the way home. Little stinker.

Walking with Oma

In general, though, you remain highly satisfactory. Sometimes your father and I can’t even believe how rough the first three months were, because now? Now you’re like an advertisement for having kids or something. I mean, really: you’re SO GOOD almost all of the time. You’re extremely good-tempered and happy; you’re beyond patient when it comes to running errands or other outings; you’re sweet and smiley with other people, and you’re interested in pretty much everything. One of your most entrancing habits right now is that of chuckling whenever you see something new or exciting. The cat jumps up on the sofa: chuckle. A school bus drives by the window: chuckle. We went to a wonderful kids’ book store that has live chickens (among other animals) walking around, and you thought those were just about the neatest things you’d ever seen. (Or, more likely, the weirdest looking cats you’d ever seen.) They were chuckletastic.

Teethy

You’re still growing like a maniac; it’s a good thing Christmas is coming because almost NONE of your clothes fit you anymore. You’re particularly short (heh, punny) on sleepers – I tried putting you in one last night that said it was for 6-9 month old babies, but they must have been referring to amputee babies because we could get either your legs or your arms in, but not both. An old lady at the vet’s the other day asked if you were a boy (a common occurence, irrespective of the pinkness and beflowerment of your typical outfit) and when I said, no, a girl, almost 8 months, the woman said “My, she’s husky!” To me this word invokes images of hairy, muscle-bound, steroid-saturated hockey players, which is hardly an accurate description of you, but I can hardly deny that you’re generously proportioned for your age. Sometimes I call you my Amazon baby, and you’re certainly strong in both mind and body. Happily, you’re also cuddly and sweet and have not as yet indicated any desire to cut off one of your breasts (though you have tried on several occasions to twist my nipples off). Can’t wait to see what the next month brings.

Circus baby!

Love,
Mamala

I know, I Know!!!

I’m a baaaaaad blogger. B.A.D. Fucking holidays, man. There are all these presents to buy and relatives to visit and fun parties to go to and cocktails to drink – it’s HELL on one’s blogging schedule, I tell you what. I have all these substantive posts in my head that I never seem to be focused enough to sit down and write out. Erk. But I do still have this quite engaging child, who is currently in the process of sprouting two more teeth, and is babbling all kinds of new syllables and sounds and generally charming everyone she meets. Only I think it’s possible that the attention is going to her head, because she’s started affecting this new look:

People, please! No photos!

I mean, can you say attitude? She’s all, “No photos, please!” while simultaneously mugging like hell for the camera.

Oh, I HATE having my picture taken, really, I swear

What a diva.

Explain, please

Is there something in the male genetic code that impairs or erodes the ability to replace the toilet paper on the roll when it runs out? I mean, it’s not rocket science! Enquiring minds want to know.

I swear I’m sex-positive, but … eeeeew

When Mr. Squab and I first got together, I handled all of the household money management. I’d been doing it longer (I’m 6 years older than Mr. Squab – cradle robbers, HOLLA!), I had more complicated stuff to manage, and it just seemed easier for me to handle it for both of us. When we got married and moved to the cities, and Mr. Squab couldn’t find a job right away, and money was super tight, the job of managing funds got increasingly stressful. And since I’m a bit of a stressbasket anyway, we ended up transferring the job to Mr. Squab, since it stressed him out slightly less than it did me. This means I no longer pay much attention to what’s happening with our bank accounts – other than to make sure I’m not bouncing checks and stuff – which suits me just fine most of the time. But it also means that I don’t always take abberations in the accounts seriously enough.

To wit: for the last six or seven months, an odd monthly charge has been appearing on our account, noted as “Paycom.net” for $30 each month. Mr. Squab noticed the charge a while ago and we thought maybe it was from an online survey service I’d just cancelled or something like that. Only the charges kept showing up. Since the money was being drawn on my bankcard, Mr. Squab asked me to look into it and find out where the charges were coming from. And I meant to, I really did, only … I just kept not getting to it. You know: BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT. Honestly, I have no excuse – I’m a world-class procrastinator, and I kept planning to do it tomorrow, you know? Anyhoo, I finally got around to calling the company today, at which point the friendly service rep informed me that the money was for a subscription to an “internet entertainment site.” Weird, I think. Like Entertainment Weekly or something? (Yes, I’m that stupid.) I ask about the details of the account, and sure enough, it’s in my name, with my old zip code, and an email address something like pnxyzzrkl@yahoo.com. Hello, red flag! “That’s not my email address,” I tell the rep, while a nebulous suspicion slowly forms in my meager brain. “Uh, what kind of entertainment site is this?” “Actually, it’s an adult entertainment site, ma’am” the rep responded. Right. Compose self. “Yeah, that’s sooooo not something I signed up for.”

The rep was very understanding (I’m guessing they get this kind of phone call pretty often), and they’re refunding all the money and putting a flag on the account so the next time someone tries to use it they’ll be traced and charged with a criminal offense. Thankfully, there haven’t been any other spurious charges showing up on the account. Nevertheless, I’ll be cancelling this card and getting a new one in short order. I mean, identity theft is gross enough, but identity theft for the purpose of porn subscriptions? ICKY.

Truly the all purpose household tool

Sorry for the suckitude in posting lately. A lot going on; I’ll try to post something more substantive this weekend. As a tide-me-over, check out this TOTALLY AWESOME picture my friend E. forwarded to me under the title “Redneck Timeout.”

Here’s what’s double-plus good about this picture: the stuffed animal taped up there for company. THAT is good parenting, people.

Not much of a surprise, really.

Your ‘Do You Want the Terrorists to Win’ Score: 100%

You are a terrorist-loving, Bush-bashing, “blame America first”-crowd traitor. You are in league with evil-doers who hate our freedoms. By all counts you are a liberal, and as such cleary desire the terrorists to succeed and impose their harsh theocratic restrictions on us all. You are fit to be hung for treason! Luckily George Bush is tapping your internet connection and is now aware of your thought-crime. Have a nice day…. in Guantanamo!

Do You Want the Terrorists to Win?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

(via St. Pauly Girl)