Academy Awards liveblogging

Hey out there! Long time no blog! I’ll do a real post later, but tonight is the academy awards and so I must liveblog. Or actually it will probably semi-live-blogging since I’ll probably have to pause the ceremony while Chad puts the girls to bed. MY LIFE IS HARD. Anyway, keep checking back in throughout the night for my HILARIOUS or possibly just insane observations.

PRESHOW:

  • First observation: Good god, Jennifer Lawrence is taller than Kristin Chenoweth. I realize that everyone is taller than Kristin Chenoweth, but seeing J-Law and Chenoweth together made it look like one of them was a special effect.  It’s cool, though, because I kind of want to put Chenoweth in my pocket, and I want to be BFFs with Jennifer Lawrence.
  • I’m actually not finding the red-carpet convo as annoying as usual. Like, some of the questions are only slightly idiotic. And they’re actually letting the actors talk about things other than their outfits. J’approve!
  • OK, could Bradley Cooper’s mom be any cuter? SO CUTE.
  • Is anyone else over Nicole Kidman? Anyone?
  • LOVE Charlize Theron’s hair. I want that cut.
  • Just one of the many ways in which Hugh Jackman is awesome is his lovely relationship with his amazing wife. I heart them.
  • Jennifer Anniston: big points for not wearing black or nude dress – love that color red – but could you EVER do something different with your hair? It’s the Oscars! Go with an up-do!
  • Um, I *think* Halle Berry was going for “Old Hollywood” as in Joan Crawford, but if you ask me, that dress is more “Dynasty” as in Joan Collins. NOT GOOD.
  • Mmmm … George Clooney with a beard … drool …

CEREMONY:

  • Yay Tommy Lee Jones laughing! I love him and he gets a bad rap as a curmudgeon. I mean, he IS one, but that’s not a bad thing.
  • Look, people, EVERYONE should be making Chris Brown jokes. The man IS a joke.
  • William Shatner is a whore AND I LOVE IT.
  • Chad: “aaaaaand #wesawyourboobs is now trending on Twitter.”
  • Wow, Charlize can really hoof it! Who knew?
  • Um, sock puppets = genius.
  • Seriously, I am loving this opening. Sally Field was great, the song and dance was good – this is a promising start!
  • Octavia Spencer really knows how to put together an outfit. She looks smashing.
  • I really want Robert DeNiro to win this one. He was so damn good in that movie. WHAT?!? I like Christoph Walz and all, but are you kidding me? This belonged to either DeNiro or Tommy Lee Jones. Boo academy.
  • OK, the audience is NOT getting the Melissa McCarthy/Paul Rudd bit, but IT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS nonetheless.
  • Yay, Paperman!!! Loved that movie. Yay, Brave!! Also loved that movie.
  • AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! (Sorry. Had to get that out of my system.) You guys, I didn’t know that GANDALF was a cinematographer!
  • OK, the Jaws music to speed up the speeches is perfect. That’s what it must feel like regardless of which music they play, so why not just go with the real thing?
  • Chad, on the hair and makeup people from Les Miz walking up to claim their Oscars: “Where the fuck are they? They’re, like, in a trailer out behind the auditorium. It’s gonna take them about a year to get to the stage.”
  • YES, Shirley Bassey! Chad: “She sings like Shatner now.” Me: “She’s ALWAYS sung that way.”
  • The short film category is always the time where I say to myself “I have got to see the short films this year.” And then I don’t think about it until the next Oscar ceremony.
  • Really, a Gigli joke? Talk about low hanging fruit.
  • So, Christopher Lee has a long lost Austrian brother who directed Amour, yes? Also, that had to be the most mellow/unimpressed acceptance speech ever.
  • You know, I really do love John Travolta and I always will, even though he’s a cray-cray Scientologist, but man needs to fire his hairstylist. For Xenu’s sake.
  • So Catherine Zeta-Jones MUST have had some work done at this point, right? Either she has the best surgeon in the history of the world or she’s sold her soul to the devil. Nobody could look that great for that long naturally. Right?
  • I’m actually impressed at all the actors they got for the musical medley, but WHY Russell, WHY? Just, in general, WHY?
  • Whoa. There can be ties? In all my 30-odd years of watching, I have never seen a tie!
  • Well, I am a sucker for a Sound of Music joke. That was great. Also, I luuuurve Christopher Plummer.
  • Most predictable award EVER. Man, I would have loved it if Sally had won after all. I feel like I can’t really justify my dislike of Anne Hathaway, but there it is. She bugs.
  • Ooooh, sparkly. Plus Adele. Me likey.
  • Ugh. Kristen Stewart, YOU ARE NOT TOO COOL FOR THE OSCARS. Get over yourself. DO YOUR HAIR. Smile, like, ONCE. Emulate Daniel Radcliffe.
  • When I die, can I have George Clooney memorialize me? With a beard?
  • Wow. When was the last time Babs even attended the Oscars? Also, she and Catherine Zeta-Jones must have the same deal, soul-devil wise, because girlfriend is 71 years old and SHE HAS NO WRINKLES. I mean, that is some goooooood plastic surgery right there.
  • I just feel like … Surely there’s something to be done about the fact that Renee Zellweger looks like she’s physically in pain every time she smiles.
  • Life of Pi gets another one … I did not have it on my short list for Best Picture, but maybe I should revise that?
  • So far, Adele wins for best speech of the night. Also, what up, ScarJo? I wanna hear that whole song now! Why couldn’t she be there to perform? (Is she still in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?)
  • Quentin Tarantino is like meth personified.
  • I am and always will be an Apple products girl, but I am loving the Samsung commercials tonight. Zombie uniorns? Tim Burton? That’s good stuff!
  • Uh, why is Jane Fonda up on my screen looking like a bedazzled banana?
  • Whoa. I did NOT call Ang Lee for Best Director. Thought Spielberg had that all wrapped up. Now I’m confused. Where am I? What is going on?
  • Oooh, can I just listen to Jean DuJardin talk for a while? Like, say, a month?
  • YAAAAAAY! Jennifer Lawrence! OMG, she just totally biffed it on the way up! That kind of makes me love her even more.
  • Daniel Day Lewis is like the male Meryl Streep. If he’s nominated, nobody else is winning, but he’s clearly so lovely and nice you can’t even be mad about it. Also he is totes giving a fantastic speech.
  • What the? Michelle Obama is announcing Best Picture? This is officially the most surreal Oscars ever.
  • Boy, the academy is never gonna diss Ben Affleck again! That was a damn good movie in a year of good movies. Good for them.

SUMMARY: Overall, this was one of the better years. Macfarlane was actually a much better host than I would have guessed, there was a nice spread of awards, and the music/dance numbers were surprisingly awesome. Coulda been a lot worse.

8 responses to “Academy Awards liveblogging

  1. Jennifer LeGrand Reiter

    Amen sister on DeNiro should have won!!! Robbed he was robbed!!!

  2. Haha…Gandalf. I was thinking Lucius Malfoy, but that’s like my 3rd Harry Potter reference tonight, so it’s getting weird.

  3. Jennifer LeGrand Reiter

    After the Gigli joke I was really confused about what year it was for a brief second. Did someone write there jokes at the last minute perhaps???

  4. As my friend Bahktin would say, Russell Crowe makes a carnival. It’s just more bourgeois hegemonic blah until Russell Crowe comes out. Then the last shall come first.

  5. Christopher Plummer…(skip Anne whoever)…then ADELE. J’adore.

  6. Booooooooo Nicole.

    • Yeah, there was definitely some sexism and racism happening, but it honestly was less than I expected, considering who was hosting.