Category Archives: How to Charm Me

The Good Stuff

This evening, the Hatchling came over to the sofa, snuggled up to my left side, took my right hand and put it over her tummy, and then held that hand in both of her little chubby ones. Then she leaned back and crossed her ankles, perfectly positioned to watch a little evening telly. (We’re partial to Seinfeld.)

So, that’s pretty nice.

Foolish Parental Bragging Post

As a rule, I try to avoid posts along the lines of “my kid is such a GENIUS” because, a) they’re flipping annoying, and b) they’re oh so rarely true. I adore the Hatchling, but her talents and skills, precious though they are to my eyes, are really about the same as any other toddler her age. This I know. This is good.

Now having said that, OMG I have to tell you what she just did this morning. She’s wandering around the living room, checking out her favorite spots and toys, and she comes over for a brief snuggle. I notice that her diaper is sagging off her butt in a manner that indicates it’s reached its capacity for fluid absorption. I give the Hatchling a squeeze and say, “Should we change your diaper, honey? It looks like it’s about time.” And before I can make any moves in that direction, the Hatchling matter-of-factly toddles over to the coffee table, pulls out the basket where we keep her changing supplies, reaches in for the changing pad, and hands it to me.

FOURTEEN MONTHS OLD, YO.

Ooooooh, what a smart baby.

What I Like

… is baristas who call me “love.” As in, “what can I get for you today, love?” or “Oh, sorry, love, I don’t think we have any more of that muffin.”

Just makes the process feel a little more human.

How to Charm Me

While giving me a back rub, ask me if I love you, and when I say “I’d love you MORE if you made me some hot chocolate” go into the kitchen and make me some! I was joking! But it was good!

Oooh, sometimes it’s so nice to be spoiled.

It all balances out in the end

How to Charm Me:
Sleep for 11.5 hours straight through the night. Oh, sweet sleep. Oh, good baby.

How to Irritate the Crap Out of Me:
Sleep an unprecedented 11.5 hours straight through the night, causing me to waken numerous times in absolute certainty that you had died in your sleep and we’d never get to try on all those cute toddler outfits we got, not to mention that I leaked QUARTS of breastmilk all over my pajamas, my side of the bed, and the cat. Oh, engorged boobs. Oh, painful ta-tas.

How to make me giggle like a 14-year-old boy

When talking about certain home improvements in the bathroom, take generous advantage of the caulk/cock homophone, as in “Yeah, I’m gonna give that tub some caulk. Gonna fill all its crevices with my thick, white caulk. It’s gonna get all the caulk it can handle, uh-huh. Ima squeeze my caulk out all OVER that tub.”

And so forth.

How to Charm Me

Look back at me, bleary-eyed on the sofa as you’re leaving in the morning, and say, sympathetically, “Have a good day at work.”