Category Archives: How to Charm Me

How to Charm Me

While giving me a back rub, ask me if I love you, and when I say “I’d love you MORE if you made me some hot chocolate” go into the kitchen and make me some! I was joking! But it was good!

Oooh, sometimes it’s so nice to be spoiled.

It all balances out in the end

How to Charm Me:
Sleep for 11.5 hours straight through the night. Oh, sweet sleep. Oh, good baby.

How to Irritate the Crap Out of Me:
Sleep an unprecedented 11.5 hours straight through the night, causing me to waken numerous times in absolute certainty that you had died in your sleep and we’d never get to try on all those cute toddler outfits we got, not to mention that I leaked QUARTS of breastmilk all over my pajamas, my side of the bed, and the cat. Oh, engorged boobs. Oh, painful ta-tas.

How to make me giggle like a 14-year-old boy

When talking about certain home improvements in the bathroom, take generous advantage of the caulk/cock homophone, as in “Yeah, I’m gonna give that tub some caulk. Gonna fill all its crevices with my thick, white caulk. It’s gonna get all the caulk it can handle, uh-huh. Ima squeeze my caulk out all OVER that tub.”

And so forth.

How to Charm Me

Look back at me, bleary-eyed on the sofa as you’re leaving in the morning, and say, sympathetically, “Have a good day at work.”

Ain’t he cute?

The Hatchling’s adoring aunt has taken her for the evening so that Mr. Squab and I are free to do some much needed cleaning. (I’ve been longing to get some cleaning done, a statement which probably just made my mother fall off her chair. Suffice it to say that if I’m looking forward to cleaning, the situation is truly dire.) About 10 minutes after they’ve left:

Mr. Squab: Goddammit!

Me: What’s wrong?

Mr. Squab (holding some of the Hatchling’s clothes): These are so damn cute. Man. (frowns)

Me: Miss her?

Mr. Squab: Yes! I shouldn’t. There’s no reason to, but I do! Why is that?

Squab: Um, because she’s so damn cute?

Mr. Squab: She makes me so frustrated sometimes when she’s here, but as soon as she’s gone I want her back.

Squab: I think that’s called being a parent.

How to Charm Me

Scream bloody murder while I’m changing your diaper, pee all over me, the outfit we just put on you, and the changing pad, and then give me the biggest, widest grin EVER, along with two “coos.”

Little bugger.

How to Charm Me

Sing a little freestyle ditty to the Hatchling whenever you feed her a supplemental bottle.* The ditty goes something like, “It’s nummy time, nummy time, nummy-nummy-tummy time/and you’re such a good girl to drink your bottle/here we go, let’s drink it up!”

Seriously, what’s cuter than that?

* For full cuteness appreciation, it helps to know that Mr. Squab is 6′ 4″ and large of frame – so, approximately 8 bajillion times bigger than the Hatchling.

How to Charm Me

Paint my toenails for me when it’s clear that there is literally no position in which I can reach my own feet. (I’m sorry I laughed at your technique.)

How to Charm Me

Surprise me with a bouquet of roses, a DVD for me (Wallace and Gromit!), and a cute little baby hat for Hoss (with ears!) for Valentine’s day.

Thank god I’d gotten you a box of chocolates, or I’d have totally lost face.

Yet more evidence that I have married The Right Man

Mr. Squab, on seeing that I’ve put my newly long hair back into pigtails, of which he is particularly fond:

“Hey, baby, wanna Punky my Brewster?”

Best. Come On. EVER.