Monthly Archives: February 2009

Right: time for the show itself. We’ve been promised some innovations. I remain skeptical. However, spending 3 hours with Hugh Jackman in a tux can’t be all bad, right?

7:30 – Oooh, sparkly. I like sparkly. Ok, I’m amused so far. HJ totally has the chops to do a musical revue. Who knew Anne Hathaway could sing? Damn, girl. Don’t hide that light under a bushel. Dude. That was a GREAT opener. Nicely done!

7:40 – Oops! Technical glitch. You know a director is in a booth somewhere freaking out. So this is the presentation conceit: get past winners to announce the nominees. I like it! Impressive star power. Plus, more TILDA! Ooh, everyone’s gonna start crying. Even better. I’m a sucker for that shit. However: Goldie: HIKE UP THE DRESS. BOOOOBS. Meanwhile, I could listen to Tilda Swinton read the freaking phone book and love it. Best Supporting Actress: WHOA!!! Penelope Cruz? Where did THAT come from? Holy left field. Well, that’s one I missed.

8:00 – Tina Fey + Steve Martin = holy comic goodness. Such a good idea to have writers presenting the writing award. And Milk gets it for Best Original Screenplay. Good for him. Sweet speech. Yay gay rights! Best Adapted … I like Frost/Nixon, but I bet it goes to Slumdog. Yep. The first of many, I’m sure.

8:05 – Whoa. Jennifer Aniston isn’t wearing black. Alert the press! Best Animated goes to … drumroll … DUH!! I mean, Wall-E! I’m betting the Best Short one will go to Presto. No! Pixar denied! I actually kind of love that.

8:18 – Hoots-Jessica Parker is back. I think she has a cute escort, but I’m too distracted by her BOOOOBS. Art Direction goes to: Benjamin Button. Another surprise! Damn, I’m not doing too well with my predictions this year. Costumes: I’m calling this one for The Dutchess, because the Academy usually goes for the obvious, unsubtle one in this category. Aaaaand, yes. Dude, the guy accepting the award looks like he’s about to cry! Cheer up, boyo! You just got a major award! Makeup: tough call. Ima say Hellboy. And boy, was that the wrong choice. Dude, Benjamin Button was mostly CGI! That’s not makeup!

8:27 – I heart Amanda Seyfried. She is just as cute as a button. The romance montage is dumb, but at least they were homo-inclusive.

***Pause for putting toddler to bed.***

Best Cinematography – Again, love, love, love Natalie Portman’s dress. Ben Stiller’s Joaquin Phoenix impression is AWESOME. Lessee … we’ll pick Slumdog for this one. Indeed. Umm … what is going with Slumdog-dude’s pocket handkerchief? Is it trying to escape? Did he USE it? Is he REALLY wearing white shoes?

Jessica Biel looks like a big satin bow just vomited all over her dress. And is now assimilating her into its freaky satin-bow collective.

OK, I know the pothead skit was a one-joke wonder, but … heh heh heh. I totally thought it was hilarious.

Best Short Film – Someday, I’d like to see these. For now, I’m going with The Pig, because I like that title best. Which is why I’m almost always totally wrong on this category all the time. Sigh.

Yay! HJ does Fred Astaire! And every other musical! A la Busby Berkeley! Love-love-love it!

Best Supporting Actor – well, I think this one’s in the bag for Ledger, but I’m loving the actor to actor intros. So much more meaningful than the usual video clip. And it goes to Heath. I’m totally nervous for the speech. God, I hope they’ve prepared. They look pretty. Brief and to the point – nicely done.

Documentary Feature – I called this one for Man on Wire, but the Katrina one might beat it. Uh, Bill Maher’s suit looks like it’s made out of rubber. Not in a good way. Yay, called it! Documentary Short – Not even going to guess. Smile Pinki is a happy name. The filmmaker has a pretty dress. I don’t have a lot to say about this.

Visual Effects – s’gotta be Benjamin Button, right? Riiiiiiight. Sound Editing – another one for Slumdog? No, Dark Knight. Well, I’m glad it got more than just the Supporting Actor award. Sound Mixing – Slumdog for this one? Yessssssss. OK, these guys are stinkin’ cute. Love the crazy-pleased expression on Danny Boyle’s face. Film Editing – I’m going out on a limb and saying Frost/Nixon. And I’m falling off the limb into the slums of Mumbai. Maybe I’ll get a curry.

Humanitarian Award – I liked the recent New Yorker article on Jerry Lewis – I hadn’t realized before that what an innovator he was behind the camera. However, amazing charity work aside, he still seems to be kind of a pain in the ass as a person, so I’m wondering what the speech will be like. Style kudos for wearing a real bowtie. Huh. Surprisingly low key. I’m a little disappointed. Where’s the drama?

Original Score – That’s the prettiest I’ve seen Alicia Keys look, like, ever. Slumdog picks up another one. I gotta say, they have nice acceptance speeches. Original Song – I predicted “Jai Ho” for this one, and of the three nominees I like Peter Gabriel’s song from Wall-E best, but I still say there’s no valid winner in this category. This was Bruce’s award, dammit!

Foreign Language Film – Oh, Liam Neeson. We’ll always have Paris. I called this for Waltz with Bashir. AND WAS DENIED. Man! Awesomely assertive acceptance speech, though. I-AM-HERE-BECAUSE-OF-FILM!

In Memoriam – I kind of love having Queen Latifah singing to the dead people.In fact, scratch “kind of” – I just love it. But here’s a quandary – why no Heath Ledger in the montage?

OK, now we get the big awards – but first, what the HELL is Reese Witherspoon wearing? She usually looks so stylish and chic, but that dress is a mess, her hair is a mess, her makeup is weird … What up, Reese? Director: I guessed Boyle, but it would be fun if there was an upset. Alas, no. I can’t hate on the Boyle, though. I mean, he just BOUNCED. In the spirit of Tigger! Plus the accent! Love!

Best Actress – C’mon, Kate, c’mon, Kate, c’mon, Kate … OK, Sophia Loren’s dress is objectively awful, but DAMN, do I love it on her. BRING IT, Sophia. Also, if I had Marion Cotillard’s bone structure I could die happy. Also I would charge admission to look at me. Meryl looks a little afraid of Sophia. As we all should be. She might be ninety years old (give or take) but she could still totally take you down. I want to like Nicole Kidman’s dress, but I’m concerned about the odd growths spurting from her bosom. YAY, KATE!!! WOOOO! OMG, could her dad be ANY CUTER? Love the speech. Love.

Best Actor – OK, I know that Sean Penn is probably going to win this, but it would be so much more fun if it were Mickey Rourke, y’all. Also if Sean Penn has to win, please let him give a decent speech. FOR ONCE. I admit I would also be pleased if Frank Langella won. I love me some Frank Langella. DAMN. Penn gets another one. At least the speech is OK. Oh, nice shout out to Mickey Rourke. Well done. But, uh, where’s the love for the wife?

Best Picture – It’ll be Slumdog. Yawn. And it is.

Summary: I really liked the changes they made to the telecast this year – it was actually mostly fun to watch. I hope they keep it up next year. HJ was a great host. No real craziness this year, either in fashion or in the speeches, but no massive gaffes, either. Did you make it through the whole telecast? What did you think?

OK, keeds. It’s that time of year, and since we once again did not get our acts together in time to have an Oscar party, I will be liveblogging the awards. Keep hitting that refresh button for new injections of snark!

First, here are my predictions for some of the major categories:
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Original Song: “Jai Ho” from Slumdog. But only because Bruce was ROBBED.
Art Direction and Cinematography: Dark Knight
Foreign Language: Waltz with Bashir
Documentary: Man on Wire
Animated Film: Uh, Wall-E. DUH.
Best Actress: Kate Winslet. It’s her year, dammit!
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke. Yeah, he’s a freak, but it was really an amazing performance, and I’m kind of over Sean Penn.
Best Supporting Actor: the inevitable Heath Ledger win.
Best Supporting Actress: I want it to be Marisa Tomei, but I’m guessing it will go to Viola Davis.
Best Director: Danny Boyle
Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire

Now on to the snark!

5:27 – When did Zac Efron start looking so skeezy all the time? Is it just that he needs a haircut? Also, could Ryan Seacrest be MORE of a tool? No. The answer is no.

5:40 – Um, is that a necklace on Amy Adams, or a BREASTPLATE? Nobody better try to attack that girl with a spear, I tell you what.

5:45 – Um, the Slumdog kids are pretty much the cutest ever. Even the Seacrest cannot spoil their cute. In other news, Melissa Leo looks gorgeous, in a shade of bronze that would make me look like I was wearing pure baby poo, but makes her just light up. Well played, Ms. Leo. Meanwhile, the E! commentators are all gushing over Taraji P. Henson’s ensemble, but my personal response to it is: Meh.

5:55 – OK, I never thought I’d say this, but Heidi Klum actually does not look that amazing tonight. I mean, she can pull off anything but the top of that red dress is just not doing anything for her. Or me. Am I wrong? … Viola Davis: How are you not gonna love her?

Right: switching over to the Baba Wawa special. OK, the Jonas Brothers aren’t actually nominated for an Oscar, are they? Did I miss something? Why are they on this show? Actually, why are they, period? This is a phenom I do not get.

6:20 – Yeah, can’t take it anymore. Back to E! Have Sarah Jessica Parker’s boobs gotten bigger? Why won’t they show us her whole dress? Oooh, Natalie Portman is wearing fuschia. I love the color!

6:37 – Back to Baba Wawa, in time to catch the quote of the night: Mickey Rourke on winning the Oscar: he’d be very honored and touched to win it, but at the end of the day you can’t “eat it, fuck it, and it won’t get you into heaven.” (Mr. Squab: “I am so using that for my yearly review.”)

6:45 – Yowza. Those are some GREEN earrings Ms. Jolie is sporting this evening. Kind of like small earring-shaped aliens are colonizing her head. Oh, Kate Winslet is stunning. Hair, dress, the works. Totally dressed to win. (Mr. Squab: “I would do her in a SECOND.” She’s totally on his list.)

6:47 – Back to Baba Wawa. Y’all, I just loooooove Hugh Jackman. It’s not just the looks and the accent and the biceps and the rawr. It’s the awesome dadness and the fabulous wife and the diversity of talent and … mmmm. He’s on MY list. Also that story about his dad? Sooooo made me tear up.

7:00 – OK, now over to the official preshow. Can they just have Tim Gunn do ALL the preshows? He is so much less annoying than any of the other hosts. Diane Lane’s dress = Boooorrrring. Still not loving Amy Adam’s jeweled neck brace. OK, I can finally see SJP’s whole dress. I like it. I don’t LOVE it, but I like it. Matthew Broderick, dude, loosen UP. … I’m still “Meh” on Taraji Henson’s dress, but her hair is fabulous. Awwwww … Frank Langella brought his daughter! Love it!

7:05 – Can someone please explain to me why Brangelina won’t talk to anyone on the red carpet? Tim Gunn practically had to waylay them just to tell them they looked good. I mean, really, if you don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t do the red carpet. It’s not required. You can just go right in.

7:10 – See, and now we learn a little bit about Valentino. Tim Gunn makes the preshow fucking educational, y’all. Whoa. Mickey Rourke went for the white-gambling-formal-cowboy-gangster look this evening. If he and Tilda Swinton would just start dating, how sartorially AWESOME would it be?

7:14 – What THE FUCK is Miley Cyrus wearing? Here’s a little tip for all you kids out there: if you have to ask whether it’s couture or layer cake, DO NOT WEAR THE DRESS.

7:21 – Feeling the love for Richard Jenkins. Just had to share. OK, Jack Black: I’m guessing you are at a point in your career where you can afford shirts and ties that, like, actually fit around your manly neck. Yes? Perhaps the Oscars would be a good time to try that out. … Marisa looking lovely. I’m kind of tired of the whole fishtail silhouette, but she’s pulling it off. Lesley Mann, on the other hand … no, girl. No. Say NO to the chainmail dress. No one is going to pierce you with a lance on the red carpet, I promise. Although I kind of want to after seeing that dress.

OK! Time for the show!