Monthly Archives: March 2006

Friday Squotient Blogging

Today’s topic: European Cities.

Squabby: Dublin or Munich. Lots of good drink, easy-going locals, a variety of things to do and places to go, and surroundings that are generally please to the eye.

Squinny: Paris or Berlin. Glamorous, cutting edge fashion and design, lots of amazing culture, really good food, fast paced, and gorgeous.

Squotund:
Oslo or Helsinki. Progressive social structure, high-quality goods and services, strong sense of identity, not-for-the-faint-of-heart climate, breathtaking vistas.

Feel free to make yer own nominations in comments.

(Confused? Check here or here.)

Ummmm … No.

This has to be one of the weirdest bakery concepts I’ve come across:

Yes, you’re seeing correctly: those are, in fact, sonogram cookies. From the ad copy:

“This is the ultimate way to personalize a cookie: you simply send us a picture and we’ll print it on edible paper with edible ink to create your own truly personalized gift! These delectable white chocolate enrobed graham crackers are sprinkled with edible confetti or non-parielles [sic] to frame your delightfully delicious picture.”

Hmmm … “delightfully delicious” isn’t quite the way I’d describe most sonogram pictures. “Vaguely alien,” maybe, or “Is that a tail?” And I’m not sure what message it sends to actually, you know, EAT a picture of your fetus. But hey! Takes all kinds, right? Do you suppose the red sprinkles represent the amniotic sac?

(via DaddyTypes)

Things that are pissing me off

1. Pre-sliced bagels. Why are the halves always uneven? These things get toasted, people! I don’t want one extra crispy half and one raw one!

2. Continuing morning sickness. Hello, I’m in month NINE. Now would be the time for this to stop.

3. The weather. It’s freaking gorgeous outside today. Where am I? Oh, that’s right – stuck in my stupid gray cubicle until sundown. Yippee.

4. Springing forward. Man, do I hate Daylight Savings Time. I need that extra hour, dammit!

5. General lassitude. My get up and go got up and went, and I don’t think it’s coming back.

Grrrrrr.

OK, how do I get tickets to THIS?

“The North Liberty Community Library will close at 6 p.m. Thursday because of the Harry and the Potters concert.

“The concert is free and open to the public. Harry and the Potters is a band made up of two brothers who dress like Harry Potter and play indie rock/punk songs about the book series.”

I mean, you KNOW that would just RULE!

(via Bookslut)

Patriarchy = evolutionary advantage?

Gah. This is the kind of “scholarship” that makes me want to spit. Phillip Longman has a piece in the latest issue of Foreign Policy called “The Return of Patriarchy” in which he appears to argue that only those societies operating along patriarchal lines can survive and flourish. “Jigga-who?” you may be asking, and indeed, it’s not what I’d call an intuitive argument – at least not unless you’re a sexist twit – but wait: you haven’t grasped the jist of it. See, the reason why patriarchy is necessary for the survival of the species is that it’s the only social model (according to Longman) that encourages high rates of reproduction. Because once the womens gets a taste of self-determination and agency, you can kiss the childbearing and rearing goodbye!

Throughout the broad sweep of human history, there are many examples of people, or classes of people, who chose to avoid the costs of parenthood. Indeed, falling fertility is a recurring tendency of human civilization. Why then did humans not become extinct long ago? The short answer is patriarchy.

Patriarchy does not simply mean that men rule. Indeed, it is a particular value system that not only requires men to marry but to marry a woman of proper station. It competes with many other male visions of the good life, and for that reason alone is prone to come in cycles. Yet before it degenerates, it is a cultural regime that serves to keep birthrates high among the affluent, while also maximizing parents’ investments in their children. No advanced civilization has yet learned how to endure without it.

Boy. Well, that sure is a downer for a Monday morning. So, once again we can see that the decline of civilization is women’s fault. We’re just not reproducing enough, or … not investing in our children enough? … or … something, and so we’ll soon be taken over by those societies who “get” that strength lies in numbers. Patriarchal, conservative numbers.

The greatly expanded childless segment of contemporary society, whose members are drawn disproportionately from the feminist and countercultural movements of the 1960s and 70s, will leave no genetic legacy. Nor will their emotional or psychological influence on the next generation compare with that of their parents.

“No genetic legacy.” Um. I thought, like, enlightenment and progressive politics was more, you know, nurture than nature, no? I mean, there’s no guarantee that my progeny will be liberal just because I am. Ima have to work a little harder than that, right? And as far as the “emotional and psychological” influence goes, gee, I’d love to see a little actual evidence on that one, Phil. From where I’m sitting it seems like the progressive baby-boomers have had a pretty fucking HUGE emotional and psychological influence on the culture. And isn’t that, in fact, what has Longman worried? I mean, if they haven’t had the influence then how come I’m not safely ensconced, barefoot, in the kitchen? You can’t claim little influence from the generation on the one hand and then blame it for declining reproductive rates on the other.

But the piece really gets going when Longman starts describing how patriarchy functions (emphasis mine):

Patriarchal societies come in many varieties and evolve through different stages. What they have in common are customs and attitudes that collectively serve to maximize fertility and parental investment in the next generation. Of these, among the most important is the stigmatization of “illegitimate” children. One measure of the degree to which patriarchy has diminished in advanced societies is the growing acceptance of out-of-wedlock births, which have now become the norm in Scandinavian countries, for example.

Under patriarchy, “bastards” and single mothers cannot be tolerated because they undermine male investment in the next generation. Illegitimate children do not take their fathers’ name, and so their fathers, even if known, tend not to take any responsibility for them. By contrast, “legitimate” children become a source of either honor or shame to their fathers and the family line. The notion that legitimate children belong to their fathers’ family, and not to their mothers’, which has no basis in biology, gives many men powerful emotional reasons to want children, and to want their children to succeed in passing on their legacy. Patriarchy also leads men to keep having children until they produce at least one son.

Well. Here we go! Now, first, we have the claim that fathers will only “take an interest” in a child that bears his own name. Mr. Longman, I believe you have your cause and effect reversed. It’s certainly the case that under patriarchy, the “ownership” of the child becomes extremely important. Mr. Longman, however, seems to think that the ownership issue is a given. He acknowledges that it has no basis in biology (gee, thanks!), but indicates that only the knowledge of legitimacy and ownership can give men the powerful emotional drive they apparently need to keep reproducing. (How the women feel about it is clearly of no consequence. I guess we don’t need an incentive to reproduce until we’ve been tainted by the subversive notions of feminism.) I’m sorry, but there’s no there there. It’s too easy to find examples of social organization where this isn’t the case. And if what we’re interested in here is sheer numbers, wouldn’t the advantage lie with the social organizing principle that led to care and attention being lavished on all children, regardless of parenthood?

But wait: there’s more to patriarchy than just stigmatizing “illegitimate” children! If you act now, we’ll include a side of female repression absolutely free!!!!

Another key to patriarchy’s evolutionary advantage is the way it penalizes women who do not marry and have children. Just decades ago in the English-speaking world, such women were referred to, even by their own mothers, as spinsters or old maids, to be pitied for their barrenness or condemned for their selfishness. Patriarchy made the incentive of taking a husband and becoming a full-time mother very high because it offered women few desirable alternatives. […]

Under patriarchy, maternal investment in children also increases. As feminist economist Nancy Folbre has observed, “Patriarchal control over women tends to increase their specialization in reproductive labor, with important consequences for both the quantity and the quality of their investments in the next generation.” Those consequences arguably include: more children receiving more attention from their mothers, who, having few other ways of finding meaning in their lives, become more skilled at keeping their children safe and healthy. Without implying any endorsement for the strategy, one must observe that a society that presents women with essentially three options—be a nun, be a prostitute, or marry a man and bear children—has stumbled upon a highly effective way to reduce the risk of demographic decline.

Right. So he’s not “endorsing the strategy” (and he does a pretty careful job of not overtly endorsing most of the crap he’s spewing), and yet … the whole tone of the article makes it clear that Longman doesn’t really see any other ways of “reducing demographic decline.” Rhetorically, he’s very clever – note the introduction of a “feminist” quote! See, he’s totally taking all sides into account! But what we’re left with is the notion that a society which values women as anything other than reproductive vessels is doomed to extinction.

What bothers me most about “scholarship” like this is how dishonest it is about its precepts. Longman clearly wants to present himself as a thoughtful, rational, historically informed commentator on an important cultural trend. But dig into the structure of his arguments a little, and you’ll find that it’s predicated on the following notions:

1) Only under patriarchy will fathers take a vested interest in their offspring,

2) Only under patriarchy will mothers (be forced to) reproduce enough to ensure the survival of the species,

3) Only under patriarchy will those flighty women (be forced to) care enough about their offspring to invest the time and energy necessary to create quality future citizens, and

4) Socio-political perspectives are genetically transferred: conservatives always have conservative children and progressives always have progressives, or near enough to always as makes no difference.

Called out like this, the absurdities of the argument, I think, become clear. Patriarchy may be good at reproducing itself, but it’s not because of some “evolutionary advantage” – or, at least, Longman hasn’t made the case for that. And we haven’t even gotten into the moral questions Longman is begging. (I mean, even if he were right, what are the implications? Incentives for progressives to start humping like rabbits? Just say “fuck it” and enjoy your enlightened existence while you still can?) If the only way a culture or species can survive is through patriarchy, then, frankly, maybe survival ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Put that in your Freudian pipe and smoke it.

This one should generate some comments …

SO. As y’all know, we don’t know what flavor Hoss will be when he/she comes out. Lots of people (Mr. Squab included) think it will be a girl, some think it will be a boy, I have absolutely no sense one way or the other. (Maternal instincts, schmaternal instincts.) That being the case, of course, we need to be ready for all possibilities. We’ve got the name thing down for both flavors (and if the kid is intersexed it will just have to take pot luck, I guess), all the clothes and toys and stuff have been carefully chosen in gender-neutral tones of yellow and green, and we’re looking forward to having that one last surprise at the end of the labor. Basically, as long as it’s human and healthy, we’re all good. However. We have one issue left to resolve, and that is (insert ominous music here): to circumcise, or not to circumcise?

Here’s the deal. My own perspective is: why do it? From what I can tell, there’s absolutely no medical reason to do it (the AMA no longer recommends it, though they don’t recommend against it, either), and several possible medical reasons not to do it; it causes the baby pain; it’s less and less of a trend in this country, so, you know, why would you do it? If you’re Jewish, OK. That’s a mighty long cultural tradition and I can see not bucking it. And frankly, whatever any particular couple wants to do in this regard they should be able to do – I wouldn’t want to make other people’s decisions for them. But when it comes to my kid, I just don’t see the point, and I’d definitely decide against it. BUT. I also think that this is one decision that should really be Mr. Squab’s to make. Because, frankly, I don’t have the equipment, and I feel like the one who has the equipment should get to make the call. And Mr. Squab is leaning towards circumcision – largely, I think, because he’s circumcised and it just seems easier to have your kid look and function the way you do. (He can correct me if that’s wrong.) Now, I’m not convinced that’s a sufficient reason, but I’ve told him the decision is his and I’ll support it either way. He did say, however, that I could send him links or articles or whatever that support my position and he’d take that stuff into account. So, internets, what I wanna know is: what are your thoughts? Are you pro or con, and why? And if you’re con, do you have any recommendations for non-rabidly crazy resources on why it’s unneccesary? (So far, a lot of the anti-circumcision stuff I’ve come across has been very much of the “you’re an evil person if you circumcise” variety, and homey don’t play that, yo.)

Let ‘er rip.

Is my unborn child a luddite?

Hoss does not like it when I use my laptop, and he/she is making that very clear whenever I get it out. Due to my burgeoning belly (now 15 times its usual size!) There’s not so much “lap” for the laptop, so I usually stick a pillow on my lap to bridge the gap between the top of my baby bump and my legs. This results in a fairly workable surface, but often the near edge of the laptop will be resting on my tummy as I type. This is NOT OK with the fetus. If the computer lies there for longer than, say, 5-6 seconds, the kicking begins. Kick-kick-kick, right where the computer is. As if to say, hello! Some of us are trying to gain 1-2 pounds a week in here! NO COMPUTERS! This is distracting not only internally, but also because it makes the keyboard bounce whenever that little foot makes a connection. How am I supposed to check my email? Or blog from home? SIMMER DOWN, HOSS. You can’t be the complete center of attention until I can actually make eye contact with you. Sheesh.

Things wot are good to read

35 weeks today! Hoss’s head feels like it’s waaaaaaaay down in my twatular region. (Topher, that was specifically to make you do a spit take.)

So anyway … apropos of nothing, here’s some good stuff to read:

Ampersand has an excellent post up on how conservatives’ actions and positions speak louder than words when it comes to abortion. There’s a really neat chart and all! Useful for arguing with your local fundie.

At the American Prospect, Garance Franke-Ruta does an in-depth look at the NYT’s op-eds on abortion, pretty much putting paid to the notion that the Times is either ragingly liberal OR pro-choice. Good stuff.

And finally, I’m definitely feeling some grief bacon coming on. You heard me.

Monday, Monday

Boy, do Mondays ever suck. (What an original observation, I know.) This is going to be a whiny post – consider yourselves warned. We had yet another weekend that was supposed to be completely cleared for doing stuff on the house, and yet somehow got eaten up with social and other obligations. You know, some old friends in from out of town, doing our stint of box office/ushering for the show my company just opened, visiting a friend’s brand new baby. All stuff that’s fun to do, but then when do you unpack? Added to which, I got a severe case of the tireds this weekend, so on Sunday morning, when I had all these plans to get stuff done before going to the theatre, I literally could do nothing except sit on the sofa and read my New Yorker. Which is so frustrating I could just spit. I mean, no one enjoys being lazy on a Sunday more than me, don’t get me wrong, but I’d kind of like it to be a choice, you know? And normally I can summon up the energy for a little unpacking and organizing and just go full steam until it’s done. But my steamer is broken or something. Damn life-force sucking babies. (Ha! Right after I typed that, Hoss kicked me in the ribs. Serves me right, I guess.) Mr. Squab is trying to convince me to just lay low until the baby comes, and mentally I know he’s right. But oof, it is not easy to do when there are so many visible reminders of things that still need to be put away/cleaned/sorted/organized. The sucky part about it is that this is the kind of task it’s not easy to have anyone else do. I mean, Mr. Squab and I have to figure out where things go and how to organize everything – so even though lots of people have offered to help, it’s not something easy to help with. One thing is, I have GOT to say no to any and all non-urgent events in the next couple of weeks. (I am a social squab. This is not easy to do!) And, like, probably I should start going to bed earlier. (I am a night owl squab. I cherish the time I’m not at work!) And mostly, I should just try to get over it, and accept that there may still be major holes in the house-settling scheme when the baby comes. I mean, it’s not like we get a prize or anything for finishing the unpacking before Hoss arrives. And we do have a place for Hoss to sleep, which is the most critical thing, I guess. But boy, I hope we’re more settled soon. It’s hard to feel at home when your home is largely contained in boxes in your dining room.

What I Never Expected When I Was Expecting

Note: Thanks to good friend Snarky Squab for letting me guest-post the following, and for the nice intro below, too. –S.

The other day when Snarky Squab wrote about childbirth, it got me thinking about my own experience giving birth to my daughter almost two years ago. Reading Snarky Squab brought back a lot of memories and musings—which went far beyond the question she raised of natural vs. medicated childbirth. I swear I am not writing this to scare any soon-to-be mothers. Nor am I posting this as a self-pitying rant. I truly feel that the things that we don’t tell each other about childbirth, the questions we don’t ask because we don’t know to ask—all the stuff beyond the usual “did you have an epidural?”—these are also the things that we need to know the most. After having my baby, I was above all shocked by what I had been through, and at how unprepared I was beforehand.

Granted, my childbirth story is surely atypical. I went into labor on Monday and did not give birth to J. until Thursday, some 60 hours later. Though I adored my OB, she was not on call at the hospital the entire time I labored, so she was not among the 10+ health care professionals who saw me over those days. None of the things I learned in childbirth class about coping with labor helped at all—not the warm shower, not the birthing ball, not the photograph to focus on, not any sort of breathing. I got an epidural when I was in so much pain that despite my best efforts I could not keep myself from screaming loud enough for anyone far down the hall to easily overhear.

At some point in the middle of the 3rd night, I was put on oxygen. I remember suddenly being terrified because it occurred to me that I didn’t know what it really meant to push. They told me later I pushed for 3-1/2 hours, but J. was stuck in the worst position and she couldn’t move. Her birth was vacuum-assisted, at the last minute, with a room full of residents, nurses, and various specialists in attendance. It was 5:45 in the morning. The vacuum gave me a 4th-degree laceration that took almost an hour to stitch up. I was discharged the following day, after only one post-birth night in the hospital, because my insurance covered a stay of 48 hours from the time of the baby’s birth, and it was unfeasible to discharge me at 5:45 a.m. So they made me go home the evening before, even though I hadn’t slept in over 3 nights and could not walk.

It took me 14 months to medically recover from J.’s birth. As the fog of exhaustion and trauma slowly faded, questions began to form in my mind, such as: Why was my labor allowed to go on so long? Why wasn’t anyone talking C-section? And why didn’t it even occur to my husband or me to ask? Who was watching out for us? Did all those nurses and doctors who changed shifts during the time I was in labor even realize I had been there for days already? Did they read the whole chart? Why wasn’t an episiotomy done? Why, not hours after the baby was born, did the first nurse to care for me tell me gravely that “many women with pelvic floor damage this severe have permanent incontinence problems when they get older”? Did I really need to hear that then?

So what would I do differently, if I could go back in time? I would ask more questions of my health care team. I would demand to know the contingency plan for a long and difficult labor—even if I assumed it would never happen to me. And as much as I adore my devoted husband, I would not assume that he would be in any better shape than I to be lucid and clear-headed during an unexpectedly complicated labor. I would make arrangements ahead of time for someone—a friend, a parent, a doula—to be at the hospital with us in the event that pain and/or sleep deprivation rendered us unable to think clearly and advocate for my care. I would expect the unexpected.

What does my story say about health care and childbirth in our country today? Was the fact that I was not offered a C-section, despite days of labor, some sort of attempt to counter the controversial trend of skyrocketing C-section rates at major medical centers across the U.S.? Why was their no consistency in my care over those 4 days? Why was I discharged so incredibly quickly? I wish I knew the answers to any of those questions, but I don’t.

I also don’t wish my childbirth experience on anyone, but I do hope it might serve as food for thought for other women.