Monthly Archives: February 2010

Quandary

I realized the other day that the Hatchling’s awareness of standard fairy-tale tropes comes almost exclusively from the Shrek movies. Which, given the philosophical problems that I, as a post-millennial over-educated white feminist have with said tropes, is A-OK with me. Princess in need of rescuing? Fiona is a black belt in karate and does quite a bit of rescuing herself. Prince Charming? The Shrek version is a handsome, cultured, self-involved prat. All the Shrek movies nicely skewer the traditional folktales we grew up with, and if the humor is often sophomoric, well, certain members of our household consider that a bonus. Of course, I also grew up on and LOVE the traditional versions, philosophical problems notwithstanding. Which is all by way of saying: we watched Snow White* for the first time this week, and you know the scene where she cleans the dwarves’ cottage? You know, before they come home, so maybe they’ll let her stay? Because nothing makes this young girl happier than cooking and cleaning for a bunch of slovenly old men? Yeah … uh … so the Hatchling cleaned the entire living room during that scene. Like, picked up all her toys and put them away, picked up all the Sprout’s toys and put them away, and brought all the dirty dishes into the kitchen, all while singing a little song and doing a little dance. Just like Snow White.

FEMINIST QUANDARY, Y’ALL. I mean, fuck: the living room looked really nice!

*Which, can I just have a history geek-out moment here, because HOW COOL IS IT that I, in 2010, can sit on the sofa and watch the VERY FIRST EVER animated feature-length film with my daughters? I mean, that is cool! Sure, it looks dated, and yeah, the plot is totally dumbed down, but STILL. It was the very first of its kind, and I have it right in my living room. I dig that.

Kids Are Weird, Thursday edition

Recurring conversations we have had in our house of late:

During lunch (dinner, snack, breakfast, etc.) …

Hatchling: [BURP] Oh! Excuuse me! Tee hee! (She actually says “tee hee.” And covers her mouth coyly with her fingertips. My eyes could not roll any harder.) Mama, I said ‘excuse me!’

Me: Good job, honey.

Hatchling: [BUUURP] Oh! Excuuse me! Tee hee!

Me: (warningly) Honey …

Hatchling: (trying really hard to push another one out) [BEHHHP] OH! EXCUUUUSE ME! TEE HEE!

Me: Look, let’s not try to burp, ok?

Hatchling: But I say ‘excuse me,’ Mama! I have big burps!

Me: Yeah, it’s good to say excuse me, but don’t make yourself burp, ok? Just, uh, let them come out naturally. (Because that’s a phrase a three-year-old will get. Definitely.)

Hatchling: Okay, okay, OKAY, Mama. (Brief pause. Takes large, airy gulp of beverage.) [BUURRRPP] Oh! Excuuuse me! Tee hee! That was a big one, Mama!

Me: (slowly bangs head against table)

——————————————————-

Before nap or bedtime …

Me: do you want to wear your socks to bed?

Hatchling: One sock. (sticks out foot)

Me:

Hatchling: Take-a off, Mama.

Me: You just want one sock off?

Hatchling: Yes. Take-a off DIS one.

Me: (takes off sock) Really?

Hatchling: Yes. There. ALL better.

Percussive Guitar: Yes, Please

One of the cool things about teaching at a contemporary music school is that your students introduce you to a lot of awesome new (to you) artists. Last semester one of my students gave a percussive guitar performance for his final project and I was really blown away by both the sound and the style. He recommended a couple of artists as masters of the style, and boy, are they ever. I would love to be able to play like this. But instead I have kids. Anyway, check them out if you haven’t heard them before, and enjoy the gooditude.


Screemed

Today the Hatchling had her mandatory pre-K screening at a local school in our neighborhood. You know, where they test your hearing and vision, observe you interacting with other kids and adults, check your developmental skills, and so on. It’s a way to catch certain developmental disorders and learning issues before kids are in the school system, and – in Minneapolis, anyway – it’s a time where school reps can reach out to local parents with information on all kinds of resources for their families. Great public service, totally one of the reasons I never complain about paying taxes, just generally A Good Thing.

So why, you may be wondering, was I feeling increasingly anxious and tense in my stomachular regions as the appointment loomed ever closer? Well, the short answer to that question is: BECAUSE I AM INSANE. Which is true. But also: I was kind of scared about this appointment. See, the Hatchling, while she is an amazing, joyful, imaginative, artistic, funny, lovable kid, also is, uh, not the clearest speaker in the known universe. She’s always been a babbler, but it took her longer than a lot of her friends to emerge from that awesome pre-verbal “talk” into actual words, and it’s really only in the last 6 months that she’s started speaking clearly enough that even non-family and friends can understand her. Part of the problem is that many of the kids we hang out with are preternaturally verbal, so it’s hard to know if the Hatchling is actually behind or just normal. And then, you know, sometimes when you talk to her or ask her questions it seems like she doesn’t understand you, but it’s hard to know if that’s real lack of understanding or just being three and paying attention to other (often imaginary) things. And then I read my friend Christopher’s post and thought, god, I’d *love* to have a super verbal, into-words and reading kind of kid, because *I’m* super verbal and into words and I’d know how to navigate that! And of course the Hatchling may very well end up that way, but that’s not how she is now and so I worry.

Except of course she did just great at the screening. “We’re gonna go get some screems,” she announced to her father as we left. “See ya later.” And she was awesome. Walked right off holding the hand of the screener and came back 1/2 hour later trailing clouds of glory. NO language problems; she’s right on track. Average or above average at all the verbal and math stuff. Good social adjustment, good motor skills – she’s good! Also: 45 inches tall and 56 pounds. So good and BIG. Which, as the supervisor noted, makes it tough sometimes to remember that she’s only almost four. And for an only almost four-year-old, she’s right where she should be. And what I have to remember is, while it’s good to know she’s on track, even if she weren’t, she would still be A (damn) Good Thing.

Willkommen, Bienvenue, etc., etc.

Howdy, y’all! Welcome to the new digs! I’m still refining the site – Mr. Squab is designing me some graphics and I’m monkeying around with colors and widgets and stuff, but the basics are all here. Check out the top left menu with the “About” page, and note the new contact info. I’m hoping this reboot will get me posting more often, but seeing as how I have these two squabspawn around me all the time, I’m not making any promises. Take a look around and let me know what you think!

Random Tidbits

1. The Hatchling used to pronounce her favorite movie trilogy “Stah Woahs,” which we enjoyed because it made her sound like Randy Newman. Now she’s (finally) getting her R’s she says it more like “Str Wrrrs,” which is less cute but equally funny.

2. In other Hatchling-speech related news, the kid has recently added another global region to her universe of accents. We used to call her The Swedish Chef because of how she pronounces her “U’s” (“Mama, wanna listen to some müüüsic?” “Mama, what are yüüü doing today?” “Mama, are yüüü coming outside tüüü?”). She still goes Swede on a regular basis, but recently, out of nowhere, she’s pronouncing her short “A’s” like she comes from upstate New York. “Dance” sounds like “dee-yance.” “Back” sounds like “bee-yak.” “Have” comes out “hee-yave.” Where, oh where does it come from? Neither of her parents is from upstate NY. Or Sweden, for that matter. What will be next? Hungarian? Portuguese? I’m hoping for Irish, myself.

3. In other Lucas-related news, we have recently realized that the Sprout, who has quite a husky voice for an eleven-month-old baby girl, sounds EXACTLY like an Ewok.

4. We found Mr. Squab’s old baby book the other day, and discovered that when he was ten months old, he weighed THIRTY ONE POUNDS. For those of you who are childless, this is an almost literally unbelievable amount for a ten month old to weigh. “I guess that’s where the kids get it,” he says. Sheesh. I guess! In totally unrelated news, my stepmother had to get her neck adjusted after our last visit, because she was holding the Sprout too much and IT THREW HER NECK OUT.

Here are some links that have been sitting in my browser forever:

  • This is an amazing article, both for the science itself and for the personality metaphor. Are you a dandelion or an orchid?
  • If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be Mr. Squab (who is a graphic designer), this comic will give you a pretty clear idea.
  • Everybody and their brother has already linked to this, but in case you haven’t seen it: Unhappy Hipsters, y’all.
  • Kate Harding wrote an excellent essay on the Kevin Smith/Southwest episode.
  • Save the Words!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

So my comments system (Haloscan) went belly up, and I’m using it as an excuse to give this here tired ole blog a bit of a facelift. However, as I am strictly amateur at this interwebz design stuff, it may take a little while to work out all the glitches. Just wanted to let you know that I know the comments aren’t working and it will all be good in a few days. Or so. In the meantime, have a bear hug:

Bear Hug!

Just call her Che

So the Hatchling staged a coup at preschool last week. I knew I was in trouble when her preschool teacher (whom we love) came out of the classroom to where all the parents wait in the hallway, and pointing her finger successively at four of us, said, “You, you, you and you – I need to talk to you.” We winced and slunk into the classroom while the other parents looked on in sympathy mixed with relief. It TOTALLY felt like getting called into the principal’s office, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW, since I was one of those kids who never GOT called into the principal’s office, because my whole aim in life was to please my teachers. Because I’m an oldest kid, and we like to get approval from authority figures. UNLESS YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER. Because apparently nobody told the Hatchling this, and she and three of her favorite little playmates went completely Mutiny on the Bounty on their preschool teachers. Collectively, they refused to help clean up at clean-up time, would not join the group at group time, trashed the reading nook during snack time, and (thus) did not get to go outside and play at the end of the day. As soon as we walked into the room, the Hatchling and the other little girl in the group both started crying; they knew they were in trouble. The little boys opted for the avoidance tactic, and just looked away like they didn’t even know any of these people and where were they, anyway? We spent about 10 minutes sternly exhorting our wayward progeny to clean up the mess, pronto, no I mean do it right now, RIGHT NOW, miss, you are going to get in TROUBLE, and now go apologize to your teacher and we are going to have WORDS on the way home. Sigh. Of course, their teacher was horribly sick that morning, so my theory is that they sensed weakness and went in for the kill. Which maybe makes it even worse. Honestly, y’all, I have no template for this. I was a goody-two-shoes all through school. I mean, there were MAYBE two times when I got my name up on the board for talking too much, but lawsy, that alone was enough to just about bring me to tears. I didn’t even start THINKING about sticking it to the man until grad school. I am trying to look on the bright side. Perhaps she’ll be an inspirational activist type! Or … a union organizer! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Alternatively, she could end up stealing hubcaps after dropping out of school at thirteen. That’s parenting! Always an exciting option somewhere down the road!

I write letters

Dear Molars,
You suck. Why you gotta hurt so much coming in? Moreover, why you gotta come in four at a time? That just seems like unnecessary zealousness on your part. Christ, the Sprout is only ten months old. Surely she doesn’t need to get ALL of her teeth this month. Take a break, already!

Sincerely,
The Squab

Dear Evolution,
What the hell? How can it be a good idea for it to hurt like hot pokers in your mouth when your teeth are coming in? I mean, what if we were in the wild and the Sprout, distracted out of her little mind with teething pain, was unable to defend herself from ravening predators? THOSE GENES WOULD NOT BE PASSED ON, NOW, WOULD THEY? In related news, teething pain is making the Sprout so unbelievably cranky that I may soon be returning her to the wild, just so the rest of us can get a decent night’s sleep. If Child Protection Services want to know who’s responsible, tell them to talk to Charles Darwin.

Regards,
The Squab