Tag Archives: Two years

June Cleaver and Donna Reed would be SHOCKED.

Tonight we were too tired to cook, so we went to a local diner for a quick meal as part of our comprehensive socialize-the-Hatchling-to-behave-in-public-spaces campaign. She did pretty well (for a 2.5 year old), but what was truly impressive was the dinner she ate, which was a nutritious combination of:

a) french fries
b) ketchup
c) apple juice
d) ginormous chocolate chip cookie

After which, she went home and was bouncing off the walls from her sugar + carb high. There was dancing, there was singing, there was a lot of random spastic movement. THAT, my friends = good damn parenting.


Is it wrong that, at two-and-a-half years old, the Hatchling can unplug Mr. Squab’s iPhone from the charger, turn it on, unlock it, open her favorite application and start to play?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Limit Testing

Whew, the Hatchling has definitely been testing her limits the last couple of days. Everything is a fight. This morning, we needed to make a simple run to Target so I could pick up some prescriptions, and it took us approximately FOUR HOURS to get out of the house. Why? Because there were major tantrums about:

– going downstairs
– eating breakfast
– going back upstairs to get dressed
– getting dressed
– going back downstairs to get ready to go
– putting on shoes
– brushing and fixing hair
– putting on the jacket (oh, lord! putting on the jacket!)

Christ on a crutch. Of course, as soon as we were out of the house, she perked right up, which is exactly what I knew would happen. She was making friends in Target left and right, saying hi and bye to everyone she passed in the aisles and charming the pants off of the cashier, to whom she sang the alphabet song. I got a lot of smiles and “she’s so cute” and I was all, sure, she’s cute HERE, but do not be fooled by the niceties of Dr. Hatchling Jekyll! Mr. Hatchling Hyde is just around the corner!

Fortunately for her, she juxtaposes the tantrums with just enough total cuteness to avoid sending her Mama to the loony bin. Like how, right now, whenever she sees one of us after an extended absence, she runs over to give us a hug and says “I’m so glad to see you!” (Well, she actually says “I so gwappa seeyoo” but you get the gist.) Or how she kept saying “wonderful, wonderful baby” when we went to visit our friends who just had a little boy. Or how she yells, “there’s Kramer! Crazy Kramer” when we’re watching Seinfeld. (Which, OK, that’s maybe not the most appropriate show for a two-year-old, but that’s another post.)

So, anyway, what I’m saying is, I love her more than anything, but I’m also not totally bummed to be getting a little break from her this weekend. I leave tomorrow morning to go down south for a visit with my sister and her brand new baby boy. Might not be the most restful vacation I’ve ever had, but there will be no ornery toddlers bossing me around and throwing fits every ten minutes, and that will be a pleasant change of pace, I have to admit.


Well, I SPECTACULARLY failed my gestational diabetes test this morning. How spectacularly, you ask? Well, let me put it this way: there are normally two tests for GD. You take the first, shorter one, and if you fail that then you have to take the longer, four hour one so they can really make sure. But me? I did so amazingly poorly on the first test that they aren’t even making me TAKE the second one. The lab tech was all, yeah, we’re just going call this one now and start treating you because this is ridiculous. Yo: when the LAB TECH thinks it’s ridiculous, that is some serious shit. You gotta give me credit. I do things with panache.

On the upside, Mr. Squab and the Hatchling have developed a new game, where she stands there and Mr. Squab gives her rotating commands of either “kick,” “jump,” “punch,” or “spin.” It’s like Toddler Bop-it, and it is truly hilarious to watch.

Random Tidbits of a Hatchling

1. Today, we were out running errands, and as we neared the cashier the Hatchling spotted a Lindor raspberry truffle and indicated that she must have it. I thought that would be OK, but I told her we had to wait until we paid for it for her to eat it. This, of course, was met incredulity. She was supposed to WAIT for a whole TWO MINUTES to eat her candy? What was I, INSANE? Anyway, she was starting to kick up a real fuss when we got to the check-out counter so I asked the nice man to ring up the truffle first, which he kindly did, and then handed it to the Hatchling, saying, “Here you go, honey.” Whereupon she immediately quieted down, and her eyes got huge, and she said, very dramatically, “Ohhhhh, BEAUTIFUL candy.”

2. Lately, whenever the Hatchling trips or stumbles or falls or whatever, she’ll ask in a very concerned voice, “Are you OK?!?!” then you have to say “I’m OK, are you OK?” and then she says “Yis.”

3. One of the Hatchling’s favorite words lately is “perfect,” which she pronounces “poofitt.” As in, “Oh, nummy cawwots! Poofitt!”

4. The other day, the Hatchling was sitting by me on the sofa in the middle of a two-year-old tantrum about god knows what. I was looking at her, waiting for her to be done, and right in the middle of her crying, with tears streaming down her cheeks, she looked back at me, reached out her index finger, and went “BEEEEEEP” on my nose.

This isn’t exactly how I pictured motherhood

Today the Hatchling and I were driving home from a playdate. Just before getting into the car, the Hatchling had tripped and scraped her knees and hands a little, so she’d been crying. She quickly calmed down, though, and was sitting calmly in her seat when I heard her say “Thank you!” in the tone that means she’s handing me something she no longer wants. I figured she was done with her water bottle, so I reached my hand back to grab it, and she placed something in the palm of my hand. I pulled my hand back to find … a booger. From her nose. In the palm of my hand. “Thank you!” she said politely, and I found myself saying “You’re welcome!” right back. As I was trying to dig in my purse for a tissue without running off the road, she handed me another one. “Thank you!”

At least she has manners. I guess.

Random Tidbits of a Hatchling

1. Cute neologisms of late: “oinks” for coins, with which she is obsessed, “why herry” for library, and “pocksicca” for popsicle.

2. Last night, when I tried to come and sit close to the Hatchling and Mr. Squab, who were deeply engaged in conversation, the Hatchling bodily removed me from my chair, pushed me over to the other side of the room, and when I had the temerity to LOOK at them from my isolated position, held up her hand to me and said, “YOU: nonononononono!”

3. You have not really appreciated the full emotional range of “Sing, Sing a Song” until you have heard the Hatchling’s rendition. Sure, enunciation is not her strong point, but girlfriend FEELS the song. There are heartfelt gestures. There are random Brooklynesque pronunciations (“siiiiiiing, sing a swooooonnnng …”). There are highs and lows, with a triumphant finish and plenty of self-applause. The kid knows from dramatical arts.

4. Representative episode: The Hatchling wakes up from a slightly truncated but perfectly acceptable naptime and starts calling MAMAAAA! MAMAAAAA! over the monitor. I go upstairs, open the door, and say, “hi, baby, did you have a good nap?” The Hatchling sits up, says “Well, yes [babblebabblebabblebabble] still tired.” I say, “you’re still tired?” She says “Yah,” and proceeds to lie back down, cover herself with her blanket, and close her eyes. AND STAY THERE FOR FIVE FULL MINUTES. I guess she just wanted some company for the final portion of the event.

Well, THAT was a colossal waste of time

Called the Apple store at 11:00 to see if they had any iPhones. Was told they had “lots” of all the different models, and to “come on down.” Called Mr. Squab and told him to meet us there. Got to Mall of America and saw line in front of store. Got in line, was told I was “lucky” because I was the last one to get a phone that day. What if I need two phones? “Oh, nope, sorry, we only have seven and you’re number seven.” Try to understand how seven constitutes “lots,” with no success. Meet Mr. Squab and tell him the deal. Try to go to food court for lunch so Hatchling can get chicken nuggets and fries, normally her all-time favorite meals. Hatchling has complete, total meltdown – the worst she’s ever had, by a long shot – in the food court, working herself up to the point where she could not eat or drink. Mr. Squab and I cram our food down (did I mention that I was insanely nauseated this morning?), pack up the Hatchling’s food, and carry a screaming, thrashing toddler out of the mall and back into the car. Mr. Squab goes back to work; the Hatchling and I go home, where she sits in her chair watching Sesame Street and eating her lunch like a perfectly normal child, and promptly puke in the garbage can.

Happy fucking Friday to me.

Random Tidbits for the weekend

1. Endearing Habits of the Hatchling of late:
a. Changing her froggy’s diaper. She gets out the changing pad and the wipes, plus a clean diaper, lays the frog on the pad and goes through all the motions with a very focused look on her face. She’ll be a good big sister.
b. Dancing “ballet.” She has always loved to dance, pretty much since she could walk (cue the ABBA song), but now, courtesy Sesame Street, she knows the term “ballet” (or “bah-WAY”) and regularly requests that we dance together. “Mama? Dance? Dance bah-WAY?” is pretty much the cutest request I’ve ever gotten.
c. Her new going-to-bed routine is that when Daddy says it’s time for night-night, she runs over to me and gives me a big hug, saying “big hug” (or rather “BEEEEE HOOOOOOGGG”) over and over again, while Daddy tickles her and then finally scoops her up to carry her upstairs. Highly satisfactory from all perspectives.

2. I’m enjoying the new season of Project Runway, but so far the cast isn’t up to last season’s standards in my opinion. Also, if “Suede” doesn’t stop referring to himself in the third person, I may hop a flight to NYC and throttle him myself.

3. Fail blog is WIN. (via Christopher)

4. Last night, the Hatchling’s little friend M had to be rushed to the ER with a 105 degree temp and a vicious case of the croup. Also last night, a coworker and friend of BFF, who was in his 30s I think, died in his home of complications of Type 1 diabetes. They say bad things come in threes … what’s next?

5. Tomorrow I am venturing out with a two-year-old to try and wrest an iPhone from the jaws of the Apple Store. Wish me luck. On so many levels.

6. Tomorrow evening, after Mr. Squab gets home from work, we’re heading north to visit his mom in Duluth, as she is WAY overdue. I expect to eat too much (she is a fabulous cook), sleep not enough (the Hatchling hasn’t figured out how to sleep away from home so much), and try to ignore my nausea and anxiety. Riiiiiiiiight. Anyhoo, posting will therefore be light-to-nonexistent. (Unless I get that iPhone, in which case we’ll see what we can do.)

Have a lovely weekend!

A celebration of Two-ness

We just got the Hatchling’s Two-Year photos back, and just like last year’s, they’re flippin’ adorable. I swear, if I could, I’d hire Katy to just follow me around and document my life in photos, because it would look WAY more interesting and beautiful that way. As it is, we’ll just have to settle for a yearly dose of crazy cuteness. Enjoy the slideshow.

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